The cheapest and surest way to get your guitar set up is to take it to the local guitar shop and have the repair man do it. However, I am going to tell you how an expert sets up a guitar, but if you are ham-handed, you could be sorry. This is a general set of instructions, and details can change depending on how you play; how hard you pick or strum, what kind of music you like to play, etc.

There are four likely reasons the guitar plays out of tune.

1. You don't know how to tune it. Go spend the $20 and get an electronic guitar tuner.
2. The bridge is improperly set up, that is, the bridge pieces (little metal things with screws south of the pickups) are in the wrong positions.
3. Either
a) the bridge is too high,
b) the nut is too high, or
c) the neck has too much bow.
4. Your strings are too light or too heavy. Get a good set of strings -- GHS roundwound steel strings with gauges .009 to 0.042 are a good choice.

If you haven't taken care of #1, go do it now. You will need the electronic tuner to set up the bridge.

Buy a new set of strings and put them on. Tune them using the tuner.

Make sure the screws holding the tuning heads onto the shafts of the tuners are tight, but not so tight that the tuners are difficult to turn.

Before you can set up the bridge (here I mean just the adjustment of the little screws), you need to check the height of the nut and the height of the bridge, but before you can do that, you have to check the bow of the neck.

Sight down the side of the neck from the nut end (where the tuners are). The neck should be almost straight, but with a slight back bow, that is, the neck should curve gradually away from the strings a little bit, being the farthest at the 12th fret. It takes practice to know just how it should look, so your best bet is to get an 18" steel ruler and place it over the frets down the middle of the neck between the middle two strings. There should be a little more than a 1/32" gap between the ruler and the fret closest to the 9" mark. To adjust the truss rod, you need to locate the truss rod access. It may be on the headstock beneath a little plastic cover, or at the otehr end, and it might be adjustible with an allen wrench or a phillips screwdriver, or it might be a nut that needs to be adjusted with a little socket. If the neck has too much back bow, or front bow, adjust the truss rod by turning it clockwise to bring the neck closer to the ruler, and counterclockwise to bring it away. If you bring it away, you should give it the tiniest clockwise turn after it is in the right position to tighten it up. It is helpful to flex the neck a little by hand between quarter turns of the truss rod.

Now you can adjust the nut and bridge height. Press a string to the first fret and measure the distance from the string to the second fret. Now measure the distance from the open string to the first fret. It should be the same as from the string to the second fret when the string is fretted at the first. If the string is too far from the first fret, lift it out of the slot and into the neighbor slot. Use a razor saw (made by X-acto and available at most hardware stores) or a jewelers file to file the nut slot a little lower (a tiny bit at a time! it is easy to take it too deep), with the fret or saw at a 15 degree angle off the fretboard. Pop the string back into the slot and measure again. Do it again and again until it is right. If you cut a little too deep, put a tiny drop of superglue on the tip of a toothpick and wick it in the slot. Sprinkle a little baking soda in the slot and get it right this time. Do this for every string.

Now we adjust the bridge height.

Depending on the type of guitar and how you play, the distance from the low E string to the 12th fret should be anywhere from about 1/16 to 1/8 inch. If you play hard, the larger distance is correct. On the side of the neck with the higher notes, th strings should be a little closer than on the low side, because the excursion of the low E string is larger than that of the high E. Adjust the height of the bridge using the screws in the bridge, or if the height adjustment is individual for each string, using those strings. Usually the neck will have a non-zero radius, that is, there will be a curvature across the frets, so the heights of the bridge pieces should be higher in the middle than on the ends, and should follow the same curvature as the neck. Adjust until the height is right, and you can strum the open strings without them buzzing on the frets.

Now we adjust the individual bridge pieces to assure the strings play in tune. Retune the strings with the tuner. Turn the tone and volume knobs all the way up. We will compare the octave harmonic (the pitch you get when you touch the string lightly at the twelfth fret while plucking it) with the pitch of the string when it is fretted at the 12th fret. Pluck the harmonic and make sure the tuner indicates that it is in tune. Now fret the string and pluck. The pitch indicated on the tuner should be the same as that when you played the harmonic. If not, and the pitch was higher for the fretted note than the harmonic, turn the screw on the bridge piece so that the piece move closer to the rear of the guitar. If it was flat, move the bridge piece closer to the nut. Do this carefully for each string. You will have to retune each string each time you adjust the bridge piece.

To do a really thorough job, you will need to recheck each of these steps at this point, because each adjustment changes the others.

Good luck, and good playing.

Sri Bodhi Prana

Tags: guitar, tyne, guitar setup, harmonics, intonation

As you may know, I have been an enlightened master since the age of thirteen and have been teaching a personal transformation course that teaches *YOU* how to get more money, more chicks, the finest rides and more SLACK than anyone could imagine by *FAKING* *ENLIGHTENMENT*.

Yes, this program really works, and what's more, many of my students have experienced true, earth-shaking satori just by concentrating on the three simple steps to faking enlightenment. This is his is an amazing achievement on *my* part too, because *I* developed the program!

But my teachings have become more profound than ever, due to my revolutionary new discovery, SUB-ENLIGHTENMENT!

I discovered sub-enlightenment while *pretending* to teach fake enlightenment! It turns out that there is a state between ordinary mind and the enlightened mind that has been hidden until now.

Now, those of you who know something about enlightenment, or who have experienced it themselves like *I* have, know that there are different levels of grace. Some are relatively light and wear off completely after a few days, and some are more profound and long lasting, like
mine. You may say "Ho-hum. Another Swami something or other and a crazy theory claiming that enlightenment really goes by another name, and that the name you call it is REALLY important".

But I'm not talking about levels, I'm talking about a *whole* *new* mental state, neither above nor below, neither left nor right, not a parallel mind state, but a *PERPENDICULAR* one!

This revolutionary new discovery will allow *YOU* to experience all of the super bonuses that come with enlightenment, but none of the headaches. No more eager disciples following you around, groveling and whining "master this" and "master that", no more chicks hitting on you
when you are trying to sleep, no poor relatives begging you for money -- AND WHY? Because with SUB-ENLIGHTENMENT, you don't *LOOK* enlightened, you just *FEEL* enlightened!!! You'll be groovin' with the creator, merging with the one-ness -- you'll be satori surfin' in no time, and no one will know the difference!

Sure, you can still get all the chicks, money and cars you want -- all you have to do is turn on the charm. But until then, you'll be in super stealth mode!

Don't let enlightenment get in the way! Order my revolutionary course today.

You can contact me as usual by just looking inward. Pay Pal accepted.

Namaste,
Sri Bodhi Prana

Tags: enlightenment, fake enlightenment, satori, faking enlightenment

As you may know, I have a thriving business teaching people how to fake enlightenment. The basics are easy: you just learn to look like a guy at one with the universe, a guy without a care in the world, like me. Even though it is easy to describe how to do it, not everyone can learn to do it well. The payoffs are fantastic, though, so it is well worth it to learn how. Why? Because chicks dig it, and there is a lot of money in it. You can make three or four chicks a day, and even at the same time, if you learn how to fake the look, walk the walk, and talk the talk. Guys will dig you too, but in a non-sexual way. You will have a better job, make more money, or even have people just give you money! It's like having control of the tilt lever of the luck plane!

OK, enough of the promo. In the process of teaching people how to fake enlightenment . I have discovered something fantastic: people are actually achieving satori THROUGH THE PROCESS OF FAKING IT! I know it counds crazy, but just hear me out.

If you read the first of my essays on faking enlightenment, you may remember some of the lessons: you must learn first of all how to look the part. This involves letting the muscles of your face and body go slack. Each of us (well, not me, because I am in a perpetual state of enlightenment) has a sort of rigor vita of the face, a living mask whose character has to do with the nature of our ego and our relation to the world and society. Certain sets of muscles are unnaturally tensed in accordance with our conscious and unconscious thought processes. Look at yourself in the mirror -- see the worry lines, the scowl lines? If you had been enlightened since you were young, you wouldn't have those. They are the result of years of unnatural muscle tension. If you can learn to let it go, you can fake the look of someone who is in direct contact with the source. There is a look, eyelids slightly drooping, muscles relaxed, just the hint of a smile, associated with someone completely at home in the universe.

Now, learning to do this involves letting go of not just ones muscle control, but also of the thoughts that disturb this relaxed state. Try looking in the mirror and letting your facial muscles go slack. See how long you can keep it up. If you are like most people, you can't keep it up for more than a minute. Thoughts intrude. You think "Why am I doing this? What's the point?" Of course if you knew me, you would see the benefits, and might not be so quick to dismiss this exercise. Another part of the program is learning to walk the walk of a Buddha. There is a relaxed, rhythmic walk that the fully enlightened master has that speaks of freedom and power. If you can do it, you look like you are fully in control, and yes, it drives the babes wild, even if you are skinny or overweight. Learning to walk the walk also requires a similar discipline (of course, for me it just comes naturally!) You have to let your muscles and bones move freely, in a way in accordance with their natural tendencies. You can't rush it, you can't be in a hurry... after  all, who is God trying to impress? In the same way that you can't keep "the face"  for long before thoughts intrude and ruin it, it is difficult to keep up the wald for long before you become conscious that you are *trying* to not try, you are trying to influence your body to be free from the influence of the ego: YOU ARE JUST FAKING IT!

 Well DUH, you say. That is the point: you are learning how to fake it! But this is the amazing part: This whole exercise in faking it is a simple koan, designed to focus the mind on what it is that separates you from the enlightened masters. If you have thought about the process of enlightenment at all, you know how it usually works, at least in the stories. A young man goes to a monastary to learn how to sit and concentrate on some nonsense sentence, but because it is given to him with an air of solemnity by a highly revered spiritual teacher, he knows that it must be taken seriously: it is a kind of subtle logic puzzle that *must* be solved. He sits and sits and meditates, trying and failing to keep his koan at the center of his attention night and day. Some sit for years and never get it. But the lucky few find in a moment of blinding clarity that it really was *just* *nonsense*! They run to the teacher, tears of transcendent joy streaming down their faces and he just looks at them and sees that they GET IT. They *understand*!

What has happened? Their continual striving to solve a puzzle that cannot be solved caused them to break: at some point they just gave up, but not like ordinary giving up: they *really* *gave* *the* *hell* *up* all at once, and in such a way that they dropped everything, the pose, the ego, the koan... they experienced the true glorious freedom of quitting a job you really hate, the job of being YOU!

 Now there is nothing special about zazen and master issued koans. There are numerous stories about monks or ordinary people experiencing profound satori in the midst of ordinary activities, the "chopping wood, carrying water" tales familiar to everyone who has an interest in Zen. So what were the "koans' used by Basho, by Jesus, by nenslo? Nothing at all out of the ordinary: just an extreme form of self consciousness that concentrated the mind on an insoluble problem.

 In the course of teaching people how to fake it, I have discovered that many of them have had satori as a result of faking it: the sheer effort of concentrating on how to lose the appearance of ego, how to move and walk and interact as if you were at one with the Godhead is so stressful on the mind, at least for those people who really work at it, that at some point they just GIVE UP! They go SLACK all at once, and discover who they really are! Now, you might think that this is cheating, that this is somehow dishonest, like giving up drinking by pretending to be sober, but it works.

This is not for everybody, though. Some have to do it their own way, but for those of you who want a better life NOW, who want to grab the tilt lever on the luck plane and just LEAN INTO IT, this method is for you. The advantages are enormous compared to the usual path of quiet meditation: You get all the sex and money and power you could ever want WHILE YOU LEARN! Three, four, five chicks at a time, a BMW, a Mercedes, a Jaguar, a swimming pool and thousands of dollars, all for just following my simple instructions! Of course, unless you really  work at it you will probably not *get* *it*, but hey, who cares when you are living this large?

Namaste,
Sri Bodhi Prana

Tags: fake enlightenment, enlightenment, satori

(This is a second response to a rather rude unbeliever)

Satori sometimes comes about when one has concentrated long and hard trying to solve an insoluble problem. Before satori, it seems imperative that you solve the riddle. It seems like it must have an answer of some sort, even though you may well know, having been steeped in a tradition that fosters this kind of mindwork, that giving up on trying to solve it *is* the solution. The student knows he can't just give up, because he has heard the stories about the student who tries to fool the master by imitating the actions of someone else who *has* had the experience. Of course it never works. The enlightened *know* the look, the walk and the talk, just as recovering drug addicts can invariably tell that someone at a meeting is lying about being clean.

It has been said that Biblical literalism provides some of the most difficult koans. This is at least in part because there is no tradition comparable to zazen in fundamentalist Christian sects. Additionally, the "koans" of Christian fundamentalism are scattershot things, not meant to tense the mind properly, but rather codified misunderstandings of the deep meaning of real Christian mystical experience. Better to study Eckhart rather than Robertson.

Yeah, Christian koans are difficult, but not as difficult as Subgenius koans. The Subgenius is at a disadvantage in several ways. In some ways the goal of slack is like the goal of enlightenment, but there is no great problem to overcome -- the luck plane just tilts your way, and glory be, you're on easy street. Slack is a desired state, but not a goal to be achieved through hard work. Not only that, but the SG is naturally cynnical about religious traditions, and sort of a wise ass to boot, so the idea of seriously persuing a "religious" regimen is distinctly uncool. In a way, the SG is just the sort who might be tempted to take the easy way, to fake enlightenment, to show his superiority over the other religious kooks.

In truth, many SGs really do feel a great affinity for Zen and Taoism, because they are the ultimate non-religious religions. While as a student you are exected to seriously believe five impossible things before breakfast, the goal is to see how silly these things are and to toss them aside when you *really* understand. One hears of people who just *get* it suddenly, seemingly without formal preparation, but these people have been preparing their minds by trying to solve some koan or the other. Whether it was given by a master or is just some insoluble idee fixe is not important: the important thing is that it occupies their mind and causes great mental stress.

I am sure that there is nothing you would like better than to achieve satori. You know it is what you want. Why not do the impossible, the unthinkable, and accept this gift from "Bob", this koan offered by someone you despise, someone who you are sure is a base charlatan, a flim flam man, a Royal Pain in the Ass, but whose narrative is compelling enough to attract you nonetheless?

The Subgenius is taught to pull the wool over his own eyes, in other words, to fool himself rather than allowing himself to be fooled by others. But he is still being fooled! Haven't you been pulling the wool over your own eyes long enough? Why not pull the wool from the other side? You know intellectually that you are God, that you are weaving the fabric of "reality" from nothing more than the division into this and that, by making distinctions. It's a pretty good yarn, isn't it,
this world? You *know* intellectually that the fabric of reality is woven from just this kind of wool.

Why not find out how it is done? Ask yourself

"How do you hold the first thread in place?"

_______________
Sri Bodhi Prana

Tags: false enlightenment, enlightenment, fake enlightenment, satori, faking enlightenment

(This is a  response to a rather rude unbeliever)

Thank you, but just the same, aren't you just a little surprised at the intensity of your feelings upon reading my little piece about how to get laid by faking enlightenment? Not everyone will attain enlightenment during their lifetime, but eventually everyone will, even if it is on their deathbed. Even if they didn't, they are still a part of the Godhead, dancing in Maya's recital. They, and you and I, are no more and no less God, whether we know it or not. There is no need to feel jealous at my good fortune.

There is no system of punishment and rewards. Some are confined to a life of pain, and some unworthy characters, like yours truly, Sri Bodhi Prana, get far more than they deserve. I remember one time, when I was on the downswing, feeling my ego creeping back, when I came across a girl in a wheelchair, sobbing uncontrollably. By the looks of the chair and her body, you could tell she was quadriplegic. I suddenly felt a deep empathy for her -- I imagined that she had either been dumped by a boy she thought liked her, or she had  just failed an exam, or someone, maybe someone like you who likes to hurt people for sport, had made fun of her. The pain she felt shot through me like it was my own. It was excruciating, and it caused me to tense up, and I could feel my ego returning. I felt overwhelmed, like that Summer when I was 13 before my first satori. My koan came to me, though, and after a moment's concentration, the scales fell from my eyes, and I was free. I felt light, and the tears of sympathy I had shed for the girl in the wheelchair turned into tears of joy for my own good fortune! I looked into her eyes, and saw God in them. Yeah, she was trapped in a crippled shell, she was grasping for any help in a sea of pain, she was playing the sad sack, but hey, I was on my way to lunch, and the seafood would be gone by  1:00. The universe knows what it is doing.

See what I mean?

Sri Bodhi Prana

Tags: false enlightenment, enlightenment, fake enlightenment, satori, faking enlightenment

I know what a lot of you are probably saying: "Bodhi, why would anyone want to fake enlightenment?" That is a pretty good question, for someone on a lower spiritual plane than me, so I will get straight to the point -- chicks *dig* it! Take it from me, and from other major spiritual studs like Alan Watts and Ken Wilbur, if you want to get laid, and get laid a *lot*, it doesn't hurt to have the "intense but totally centered spiritual guy" thing going for you.

"OK," you say, "that's good enough for me. How *do* you fake enlightenment?" Well, *I* don't have to fake it. I have been in a continual state of cosmic consciousness since I was 13, but as some of you may know, enlightenment gradually wears off, and you have to recharge your Godhead from time to time. To tell the truth, I was lucky. I discovered the perfect koan early in my life, and I only have to meditate for four or five minutes, tops, to get that satori when I need to get back on top of my game. But some people never "get it", and this lesson is for you. If you want all the benefits, without all the work, just follow these simple instructions.

1. Learn "the look". The look is the face and actions of a guy (or chick!) totally at peace, and at one with the universe. First, the face. Look at yourself in the mirror. What do you see? You see a guy (or a gal!) with worry lines and muscles pulled into the mask that people think of as "you". The enlightened master is relaxed and at ease, and his serene look shows it! Let your facial muscles go slack. Don't let your jaw drop open, but your lips should just barely touch each other. Your eyelids should be drooping, so that they are just touching the top of your pupils, and you should have just a hint of a "Mona Lisa" smile. Get just the slightest hint of a smirk, like you *know* Victoria's secret! Not too much, though, or you'll ruin the effect. Practice this in the mirror every day until you can do it by feel.

2. Walk the walk. This is part two of "the look", and is just as important. Chicks should get the feeling that you are relaxed, yet powerful, ready to spring into action, like a panther. First of all, SLOW DOWN! If you are at one with the universe, who are you hurrying to meet? Yourself! And you won't be disappointed if YOU turn up a little late, will you? Walk slowly and deliberately, letting your arms swing free. It takes a while to get the rhythm, but it is not as hard as getting the face right. Practice is the key. It's not you walking, it's God walking through you, baby!

3. Meeting people's eye. This might be the hardest part -- you have to be able to look directly at people, yet look through them at the same time. What do you usually do when you come across someone on the street or in the office? If you know them, you might look them in the eye and say "hi", but if you don't, you look away. NUH UH. That won't fly. The enlightened master can look directly into the eyes of a stranger, because he is looking at himself! Of course, you won't be able to actually look into your own eyes unless you have had the "big flash", so try this instead: look directly through people at things behind them, but not too far to the side. Look at the tree for a few seconds, the car for a few seconds, the sidewalk, that bird, whatever. You will look like you are looking directly into their soul if that is what they want to think (and believe me, the babes want exactly that!) and they will think you are looking at things behind that if they are uncomfortable thinking otherwise. This takes practice, but the payoffs... well, just look at me!

4. Conversation. It is not as hard as you might think. Just think, "What would the Buddha say?" Say you are at a party, and you have "the face" and "the walk" and you are sitting, relaxed, drinking a beer and talking to a babe. She asks you what you do for a living. Your response? "I teach people how to live. That sounded weird... you know, some people just aren't comfortable in the world, and I help them out. I guess I'll never have you for a client. You look like you are extremely together, Denise. Oh, it's Carla? Well believe me, in another life it was Denise, and she was really together too." See how easy it is? Babes want to be spiritual, and they want you to notice.

Well, that's enough for now. Let me know how well my system works for you. Who knows, someday, if you play your cards right and get the act down, you might just become an enlightened master too!

Namaste,
Sri Bodhi Prana

Tags: false enlightenment, enlightenment, fake enlightenment, satori, faking enlightenment