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A Day and A Night In The Life of A Vampire Hunter

May 12, '09

It was the place they called Flickering Lights
across the street from Wuthering Heights
but after Cathy and Heathcliff
while dancing in the biff
appeared on Dancing With The Stars
getting thoroughly sloshed in cocktail bars
that the Heights was then put up for sale
until it got crushed by a flying whale.

Now all that remains are Flickering Lights
for gone to pieces is Wuthering Heights
Now Flickering Lights is owned
by Nathaniel Groaned
the CEO of Not So General Electric
whose stock trading is quite eclectic
From Wall Street to Broadway
his stocks are down
following power outages
all over town.

It was a dark and stormy night
and Nat was sleeping tight
when lights flickered on
and the chess board
moved its own chess pawn
then lights flickered off
and there was a ghostly cough
for Doctor Buckley's does not help the spirits of the dead
nor remove a nasal cold from a ghostly head.

Coughing and wheezing
and ectoplasmic sneezing
never in history was a haunting so sick
then Groucho Marx's spirit started doing his schtick.

"Enough is enough!"
Nat's voice sounded rough
the enitre house was enveloped in ghostly clusters
who was he gonna call? Why, Ghostbusters!

There was Nathan de Burgh Polar Bear Private Eye
whose hairs on his white fur coat reached the sky
when he heard a ghostly wheeze
followed by a spirited sneeze
which caused even the polar bear
to turn cold and freeze.

"Stop acting like a PC!"
he felt a tap on the knee
it was Jack O' Hare
his partner in time
holding a sliced kiwi
along with some lime.

"I googled this on my Mac,"
said Jack with little tac.
With kiwi and lime
(say doesn't that rhyme?)
he sang so sublime
a Gregorian chant
with medieval cant
pre-Vatican Two
it worked through and through.

Holy kiwi, holy lime
just in the nick of time
these fruits blessed with Holy Water and morning dew
and an exorcism prayer of Saint Matthew
drove off these ghosts with their annoying flu.

The End.


May 06, '09

I just finished reading LadyInRed17's essay on what she'd like to do before kicking the bucket as she put it.

And a few weeks ago, when I saw that clip of Susan Boyle singing on the Britain's Got Talent program, that started me thinking.

Susan Boyle wanted to be a singer as successful as Elaine Page (whom I must admit I'd never heard of before until I started watching this clip).

Watching that Susan Boyle clip really affected me.

Here was a woman the world probably considered "washed up" at 47 (or at least the world had passed her by) and yet she came out and entirely blew the judges and the audience away with her singing voice.

Well, I've always wanted to be a great motion picture director like Orson Welles and Alfred Hitchcock.

I lost my teaching job last month.

So the world is off to a new start.

For some strange reason (only Providence knows) I started teaching myself Film Editing
at an online movie making site last year.

I found out about this site by reading one of SoniKudi37's blogs back in December 2007.

Anyways, I'll be starting a new job in another few weeks as an advertising writer for an advertising firm- so between that during the day and my starting to shoot movies with a web video camera during the evenings, I probably won't be on Fropper much anymore.

It doesn't mean I've forgotten you.

It just means I'm off pursuing my dreams.

And hey if some starlit night, I'm holding two Oscars having just won the Best Director and Best Picture awards at the Academy Awards, I will be thanking a few of my Fropper friends for inspiring me on the road to the top.

Take care and adieu! (but not good-bye!).


May 01, '09

Towering skyscrapers
but a recession below
zombies trudge
beneath the sunset's glow.

Vampires fly in the night air
werewolves gnaw and tear
the streets of Metropolis flow blood red
on this night of the living dead.

Shiva may dance at the core of the atom
and up rises the Babylonian Mammon
demon god of commerce and trade
Wall Street's guardian of financial aid.

And Quetzalcoatl has developed a new flu
he's a serpent through and through
feathered and plumed
with Mexico doomed
his talons grab the rest of the world
and Hell on earth has unfurled.

                                                                   -A poem written by
                                                                     Dracul Van Helsing
                                                                      April 27th, 2009


Apr 14, '09

So to put it bluntly, I'll be losing my job at the end of this month.

The college where I teach has decided not to renew my contract as a sessional lecturer for next term.

I was actually made aware of this back in January but didn't mention it to any of my Fropper friends because what can you do about it?

My students and many of my former students then started a massive letter writing and email campaign as well as a petition asking the college to keep me on.

But sadly it doesn't look like this is going to work.

I first started teaching back in the fall of 2003.

It's not often these days that someone with just a B.A. is hired to teach at a community college.

Usually it's only Master's Degrees they hire.

But at the time, a friend of my dad's sat on the Board of Governors of the college so that helped.

I was hired with just a one-year contract. But I was so popular among my students that I got a five-year contract the next year.

And that contract runs out this April.

It's not going to be renewed.

And of course my dad's friend no longer sits on the Board of Governors to work favourable winds my way.

I shall miss teaching.

I shall miss my students.

I shall miss the way my students always broke into huge gales of laughter whenever I inadvertently slipped into an Irish accent and I wasn't aware of it.

Even though I was just 11 when my Irish mother died (in fact it will be 20 years this October that she'll have died), I guess I'd still slip into an Irish accent on occasion since I was so used to it in my younger years.

The old saying is "Whenever a door closes, another one will always open".

I guess I'll soon find out whether that old saying is true or just another bunch of mularkey.

It looks like I'll have one possibility of landing another job- this will be writing local radio ads and local TV commercials for a local advertising agency.

So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I will get it.


Apr 09, '09

(Scene: A beach in the Caribbean. The notorious pirate captain with big ears Captain Jack O' Harrow a jack rabbit is standing on the beach waving desperately to passing boats to pick him up)

Captain Jack O' Harrow: S.O.S! SOS! S.O.S!

(A yacht passes by playing the ABBA song "Darling, can't you hear me, S.O.S" on its loud speakers but ignores the jumping jack rabbit)

Captain Jack O' Harrow: I should never have poured saltpeter down the pants of the President of the British East India Company. I should have known that Governor Swann the governor of St. Kitz was in his pocket.

(Paris Hilton parachutes on to the beach wearing an extremely short cocktail mini dress and a pair of Armani pump stilettos)

Captain Jack O' Harrow (shielding his eyes): Oh, God! I think I'm blind.

(A yacht passes by playing the Stevie Wonder song, "There's a place in the sun where there's hope for everyone... got to find me a place in the sun...")

Paris Hilton: Captain Sparrow? Are you there? Captain Sparrow, where are you? Calling Captain Jack Sparrow!

Captain O' Harrow: The name is Captain Jack O' Harrow! There's no Captain Sparrow here.

Paris Hilton: But I thought I was going to be appearing with Johnny Depp? What are you? A bunny? You're not even a Playboy bunny at that.

Captain O' Harrow: Well, I wouldn't say that. You should see me on the dance floor of a Los Angeles nightclub.

Paris Hilton: You should see me on the dance floor of a Los Angeles nightclub.

Captain O' Harrow: I already have. That was the night the club DJ was getting great laughs from the crowd reading that line from Edward Lear's poem The Owl and The Pussycat, "What a beautiful..."

Paris Hilton (pouting): I was wanting to star alongside  Johnny Depp... hmpff!

Captain O'Harrow: Depp only acts alongside actresses with depth! Depp only acts with depth!

Paris Hilton: What do you mean Depp only acts alongside actresses with depth? That Depp only acts with depth?  I could get some depth if I wanted to. Um... do you know where I could buy it?
Say, isn't that what the country and the banking system is in now? Debth?

Captain O' Harrow: Well if President Obama had a lisp, that would certainly be the way he'd put it.

Paris Hilton: Well, I've decided I'm not going to appear in this movie. (picks up her cell phone) Lindsay, get me out of here.

(A cocktail dress wearing Lindsay Lohan wearing cocktails all over her dress appears in a yacht and roars up the beach wrapping the boat and herself around a coconut tree)

(A coconut falls on top of her head)

Harry Belafonte (walking along the beach and singing):

Coconut woman is calling out
and everyday you can hear her shout
Get your coconut water
Man, it's good for your daughter...

Captain Jack O' Harrow (running up to Mr. Belafonte): Harry, please get me off this island of nuts... coco and otherwise!

The End.


Apr 07, '09

(Scene: Office of Jack O' Hare Private Eye. Jack O' Hare is a jack rabbit with two big enormous ears sticking out of his fedora hat. A woman walks in wearing a low-cut blouse, tight skirt and spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes. The woman looks a lot like a young Rita Hayworth)

Woman: Are you Jack O'Hare Private Eye?

Jack O'Hare: I am.

Woman: But you're a bunny rabbit?

Jack O'Hare: So I've been told.

Woman: Well, I suppose that's okay seeing as how Easter is just around the corner.

Jack O'Hare: Yes but I hope you're not wanting me to lay any coloured eggs. That's just a myth like the theory that says man evolved out of a group of animals going back to an amoeba which in turn evolved out of nothing.

Woman: What are those two big things sticking up out of your hat?

Jack O' Hare: My ears.

Woman: Wow. What enormously big ears you have.

Jack O'Hare: So I've been told.

Woman: I have something to get off my chest.

Jack O'Hare: That looks like two things you have to get off your chest.

Woman: I must confess they're not real. I had a lot of help from Silicone Valley.

Jack O'Hare: From Silicone Valley? And to think my stock broker had told me that computer stocks had flattened out.

Woman: Well, there's nothing flat about these.

Jack O'Hare: I'll say.

Woman: My fiancee's been kidnapped.

Jack O'Hare: I see. And what's your fiancee's name?

Woman: Charles Lindbergh  Jr.

Jack O'Hare: Charles Lindbergh Jr.? But he was kidnapped almost 80 years ago!

Woman: He was? Wow! He must be old then. This is the last time I'm going to get my family  to arrange a marriage for me.

Jack O'Hare: He's not only old. He's dead. He was murdered by his kidnapper.

Woman: Dead? Well that does it, this IS definitely the last time my family is arranging a marriage for me.

(struts off on her heels and walks out the door)

Jack O' Hare: Wow! That was the fastest case I''ve ever solved.

(pours himself a glass of bourbon)

Jack O' Hare (raising a toast to himself in the mirror): To the quick...

                      (he then raises a toast to a missing kid's picture on a milk carton that had
not been thrown out in a very long time)

Jack O'Hare: And the dead.

The End.


Apr 02, '09

Somewhere beneath those lights of Gotham
down there in the depths of Hell
where rats walk
and broken souls do dwell
sits the Joker
his grimacing smile a spell.

Like a spider rising from his web
he moves like a virtual Undead
oh, what a tale could be told
beneath his smile so eery bold
his eyes dark and shadowy
his laugh a demon's cacophony
his face white as the moon
his lips red like battlefields
covered on the Day of Doom.

His heart is a castle dark
devoid of life
or any spark
his sole mission now
is to bring the Batman down.

And so on this moonlit night
where wolf howls give you fright
and the birds they do not sing
only vultures circling
and Death's skull rides his horse
Hope's rays have gone off course.

The Joker dances in the street
odd cloven hooves for feet
to a dreadful dreary beat
no soul, just body heat.

And now Batman you must hear
the Joker's laughing jeer
you knew this time would come
to face the final drum.

And on the streets of Gotham today
underneath clouds cold and gray
the Batman met his end
a message to Robin one must send.

So Fate has shuffled his deck of cards
like mannequins at Mme. Toussard's
the Joker has beaten the Ace
woe betide Gotham's human race.

                                                                          -The Joker
                                                                            a poem written on this Feast of Fools
                                                                            Wednesday, April 1st 2009
                                                                             by Dracul Van Helsing


Mar 31, '09

Prologue to the Drac 25: The terms "the Drac" and "the Drac-Man" were nicknames given to me by my friend Lin Ross a very talented New York City writer and poet whom I met at another blogging site.

The Drac 25:

1. Ever since Sazzy tagged me
     I found a new place to dwell
     down at the end of Random Street
     in a place called Hell.

-And speaking of Hell, Dante's Inferno is one of the Drac-Man's favourite pieces of literature.

2. One for the money
     TWO (2.) for the show...

-And speaking of shows, the Drac-Man's favourite TV show is Smallville- a show about the young Superman and the young Clark Kent and the young Lana Lang and the young Lois Lane and the young Chloe Sullivan (who alas doesn't show up anywhere else in the Superman canon).

The Drac-Man has had dreams about kissing the actresses who play all these women.
In fact, Allison Mack who plays Chloe Sullivan was the inspiration for Dracul Van Helsing's
next door neighbour Carmen in the opening chapters of the Drac-Man's novel entitled
Dracul Van Helsing.

3.  THREE to get ready
      and four to go...

-Before you GO, get READY for the next random fact about the Drac-Man...
(the Drac-Man likes to tease... ;)

4. You gotta rock around the clock tonight
     You gotta rock rock rock in broad daylight
      You gotta rock around the clock tonight

-And speaking of rockin' and music,
the Drac Man's 4 favourite pieces of music are-
Beethoven's Song of Joy, Bach's Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring, Vivaldi's The 4 Seasons
and Mozart's Ein Klein Nachtmusik.
The Drac-Man's 4 favourite male singers are-
Josh Groban, Richard Marx, Sir Elton John and Harry Belafonte.
The Drac-Man's 4 favourite female singers are-
Moritaka Chisato, Aya Matsuura, Nelly Furtado and Belinda Carlisle
The Drac-Man's 4 favourite bands are-
The Beatles, ABBA, Glenn Miller and His Orchestra, and The Irish Rovers.

5.   The number 5
       doesn't that jive?

And speaking of Jive, the Drac-Man is a big fan of 1940s Swing music.

6.     Six, six, six...

And speaking of 666, the Drac-Man doesn't think Barack Obama is the Antichrist like a few nuts in North America do.

7.   Seven, seven, seven
       ain't it Heaven...

Love is heaven

L- is for the way you Look at me
O- is for the Only One i see
V- is Very Very extraordinary
E- is Even more than anyone that you adore

The Drac-Man has loved (or more accurately had crushes on) the following women in his life:
Merle Oberon, Jennifer Lopez, Salma Hayek, Aishwarya Rai, Ziyi Zhang, Gong Li, Beyonce Knowles, Nelly Furtado.

And most recently, Rita Hayworth (interestingly enough once married to the Drac-Man's moviemaking idol Orson Welles) whom the Drac-Man first encountered in a video clip posted here at Fropper in which Rita was dancing with Fred Astaire. The Drac-Man smitten with love (in the same way a police detective was smitten with love after seeing a portrait of a woman in the 1944 film noir movie Laura that starred Gene Tierney and Dana Andrews) wishes he could go back in time to meet Rita Hayworth. He has since watched the Rita Hayworth movies Gilda and also Affair In Trinidad. He'd watch more if they posted more Rita Hayworth movies at YouTube.

8. Eight, eight, eight
    ate, ate, ate...

And speaking of 8 and ate, the Drac-Man has once eaten octopus (which as we know is an eight legged creature). The Drac-Man rather enjoyed it.

9.  Nine, nine, nine
     Behind, behind, behind...

The Drac-Man has to admit he enjoys looking at a beautiful woman's tight skirted behind if she's wearing a tight fitting skirt or dress.

10.  Some enchanted evening
       you will meet a stranger
        a very special stranger...

The Drac-Man's perfect 10 in his mind is that enchanted evening he will meet that special stranger who will become the special woman in his life.

11. The Harry Potter books started with Harry Potter at the age of 11 (Harry Potter and The
       Philosopher's Stome).

The Drac-Man is a big fan of the Harry Potter books.

12.  Twelfth Night is the name of a play by William Shakespeare.

William Shakespeare is the Drac-Man's favourite playwright.

13. The Drac-Man must confess that he has that phobia where one is afraid of the day Friday
       the 13th. I believe there's a name for that which is long and unpronounceable.

       Perhaps a doctor will write a prescription in iillegible handwriting for the Drac-Man's problem
and the pharmacist will hire a psychopath wearing a hockey goalie mask to bump the Drac-Man off which is what the Drac-Man fears will happen to him on Friday the 13th.
Shock aversion therapy at its most extreme!

14. Larry King: Ladies and gentlemen, our guest for tonight is Dracul Van Helsing also known as
       the Drac-Man.

It has always been a dream of the Drac-Man to appear on the Larry King Show.

15. Larry King: How did you get the name Dracul Van Helsing?

       Drac-Man: Well, Dracul Van Helsing is the same name as the lead character in my vampire
novel. Dracul Van Helsing's mother in the novel was a Romanian Communist and since she was a Communist, she naturally believed in the concept of Hegelian synthesis. So she named her son Dracul Van Helsing because Dracula (thesis) + Van Helsing (antithesis) = Dracul Van Helsing (synthesis).

Larry King: So you just adopted the same name as your character in your writing.

Drac-Man: Exactly. There was a writer back in the 1930s who called himself by the same name as his detective character, Ellery Queen. Although in my opinon, the name Ellery Queen would be more suitable for a male Tina Turner impersonator than it is for a detective.

16. Sixteen candles...

And speaking of 16, Dracul still remembers with great fondness a girl he met when he was 16. The  girl was named Darien.

17. Larry King: So how did you become interested in vampires?

       Dracul Van Helsing: Well, I think the more proper question to ask is how did the Drac-Man become interested in vampiresses. When the Drac-Man was about 10 or so,  one of the late shows on TV used to run Hammer Studios' horror films. And the vampiresses who used to appear in these films were all quite sexy and gorgeous and used to wear classy and beautifully coloured low-cut dresses and had great heaving bosoms- all these vampiresses. So the young Dracul would go to sleep at night dreaming of being bitten by all these lovely vampiresses in their elegant low-cut dresses with their heaving bosoms.

Larry King: And did they have vampiric fangs when they bit you?

Dracul Van Helsing: Yes, the Drac-Man finds vampiric fangs on a beautiful woman in a beautiful low-cut dress with heaving bosoms to be a sexual turn-on.

Larry King: Well, if you don't mind me saying so, Dracul Van Helsing, I think that's a bit weird.

18. The Drac-Man enjoys reading the witty dialogue and banter of Oscar Wilde- a great writer of the EIGHTEEN-hundreds (1800s).

19.  Larry King (lying on the floor and moaning and groaning) : Dracul Van Helsing, you just kicked me in the balls.

Dracul Van Helsing: That's because you called me weird.

The Drac-Man has a short fuse at times.

20. The Drac-Man's favourite motion picture director is Orson Welles. He'd like to direct a motion picture someday.

21. Larry King: So Orson Welles is your favourite director? Have you seen all his movies?

Dracul Van Helsing: No, I haven't. I've yet to see The Magnificent Ambersons.

Larry King: The Magnificent Ambersons. That was about a family that was still clinging to horses and buggies- even when they were living well into the age of the automobile.

Dracul Van Helsing: That's right.

Speaking of people like the magnificent Ambersons who might be living in the 21st century, neither the Drac-Man nor his father George have ever owned or carried a cell phone with them in their lives.
They have never had and still do not have cable or satellite television on their TVs.
If the Drac wants to watch a special event that's only available on cable or satellite, he'll walk up to the neighbourhood pub to watch it.

22. The Drac often likes to hum songs. One of the songs he hums is ABBA's The Dancing Queen.

The lyrics go,

Dancing queen
only seventeen...

You know if you add to 17 to 22 (the number of this current random fact), you'll get 39.

There was once a movie called The 39 Steps which was made by Alfred Hitchcock.

Alfred Hitchcock is the Drac-Man's 2nd favourite motion picture director.

23. Canadian comic actor Jim Carrey once starred in a film called The Number 23.

And the Drac-Man's favourite actor of all time was another Canadian comic actor- John Candy.
Drac is a really big fan of John Candy movies.

24. Dracul would like to mention he finds his furry friend with big floppy ears who hangs out in his yard- Jack O' Hare as Drac calls him to be a tremendous inspiration to his short stories and poetry.

25. Travelling in an antique land
       across a stretch of burning sand
       a caravan came into view
       Destination: Timbuktu

Among the destinations Dracul would like to visit over the next couple of years are
Tokyo, Rome, Paris, New York, Los Angeles and surprisingly Fresno, California (although to those who know the Drac-Man well, that might not be such a surprise).


Mar 26, '09

The silence of the night
the gentle whispers of dawn
the candle burns so bright
casting shadows on the wall.

And the music is playing
as your body is swaying
your scent fills the room
as you cross
to where I'm laying.

The warm embraces
the kiss of your lips
as you caress my back
with your fingertips.

When oceans meet
where rivers part
such is the day
you captured my heart.

I've longed for this moment
where we become one
Paradise's moment
this new heavenly sun.

Touch upon touch
taste upon taste
this heavenly nectar
shall not go to waste.

The fires they burn
our feelings churn
an explosion of sense
beyond time and space
with my goddess adorned
in sweet silk and lace.

At such a time
hearts begin to race
and yet we quicken
and quicken the pace.

O heavenly nova!
Beyond solar bliss
all that matter and energy
in one embracing kiss.

Like a geyser ascending
like a waterfall descending
wildrapid waters
forever cascade.

And then in the morn
with you in my arms
I reach out and touch you
to embrace again your charms.

                                                                                -written by Dracul Van Helsing
                                                                                  Wednesday, March 25th 2009


Mar 24, '09

To a lover, friend or dear one
a rose brings a smile
while the cynic says
it whithers and dies
and goes out of style.
It's not everlasting
and neither is love
so throw a pebble
at the snow white dove.

But on a summer day
down by Courtney's Way
as one looks across the fields
to see what beckons and yields
it's the roses that draws one's eye
beneath this vast clear blue sky
coloured in glorious apparel
red. orange, blue and yellow
their glory is unsurpassed
bright stars amidst the grass
and yet tomorrow they die
while the thorns live on and on.

And so it is with life and friends
it seems the roses are gone all too quick
while thorns remain
with their searing pain
and all that makes one sick
But it is the roses that stand out
they may last but an hour and a day
but it's the rose that stays in your mind
when you've finished your journey's way.

                                                                              -written by Dracul Van Helsing
                                                                                Monday, March 23rd, 2009


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