 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
 
|
|
| Author |
Replies |
Total Replies: 113 |
|
|
Topic: Jokes about your Boss/Work  |
|
|
|
|
|
|
 26 Mar 2004 11:19 am | #1 |
|
|
|
Had a bad day in office? Vent, laugh, cry and lower your blood pressure.
|
| |
 
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| 28 Mar 2004 01:19 pm | #2 |
|
|
|
This really happened with the great Kannada humorist T.P. Kailasam:
T.P Kailasam goes to an interview (It was british ruled times, Both the boss and kailasam were london return). The name of the boss was Mr Balasundaram Iyer. He being a naughty man greets Kailasam as "Hello Mr Typical Ass!!". The witty Kailasam replies "Nothing Mr.Balls under Mair".
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| 29 Mar 2004 01:48 pm | #3 |
|
|
|
Manager: Sorry,but i can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| 03 Apr 2004 04:46 pm | #4 |
|
|
|
UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| 03 Apr 2004 04:46 pm | #5 |
|
|
|
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
| 03 Apr 2004 04:49 pm | #6 |
|
|
|
Benny: Who's your favorite fiction writer?
Murray: My accountant.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| 03 Apr 2004 07:34 pm | #7 |
|
|
|
A couple go to a hotel chain for lunch. It happens that the hotel has just got professional help to ramp up its operations and cut time wasted in some service activites.
The couple order their lunch and they notice a strange thing. Every server will be having a spoon suspended through a thread on their shirts and the thread going through the zipper of the pants also.The curious customer asks the server about this.The server explains about the professional agency and that because most customers do ask for a extra spoon it would be more timewise to carry one extra. The customer gets curious and asks about the thread though. The server says that the professional agency noted that when the servers go to the restrooms they would be spending a lot of time in washing hands etc later after the nature call.So he explains that the thread is used to get the task done rather than the hands which would avoid washing the hands and which inturn would save 8% time. The customer is clearly impressed.Then he asks how do you get the thing back inside the pant. The server replies: I do not know about the others but I use the spoon though.!!!
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| 14 Apr 2004 02:35 am | #8 |
|
|
|
If you plan to approach your "boss’ for a salary increase, then here is a true story from which you might learn something!!! One morning, a company manager discovered an unusual letter from one of his employee.
Dear Bo$$,
A$ all of u$ have read from the new$paper$, the economy ha$ come out of the rece$$ion.In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to our company.I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
$teven $tana$a$ki$.
The next day, the employee received this reply :
Dear Steven,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed.
You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world’s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| 14 Apr 2004 02:37 am | #9 |
|
|
|
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a f---ing cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: You fool, you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are f---ing talking to, you idiot?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.
"Thank f--- for that!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| 18 Apr 2004 01:02 am | #10 |
|
|
|
Here is a nice mail i got recently
mathematical viewpoint of What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give more than 100%
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and,
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
....And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you: A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%
But one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While, hard work and Knowledge will get you close,
And, attitude will get you there,
Bullshit and Ass-kissing will put you over the top 
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
| 24 Apr 2004 10:23 am | #11 |
|
|
|
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
- Robert Frost
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| 24 Apr 2004 01:55 pm | #12 |
|
|
|
1. Boss torments employee to work hard.
2. Employee works so hard, top management is impressed.
3. Top management fires the manager, and replaces him with the hard-working employee. 
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| 25 Apr 2004 01:00 am | #13 |
|
|
|
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| 26 Apr 2004 02:02 am | #14 |
|
|
|
Hey Umesh,
That was very very good!
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| 28 Apr 2004 10:04 am | #15 |
|
|
|
These are some of the leave letters written by various personnel. English, as they say, is really a funny language!
1. An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. please sanction me one week leave...
2. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
Since I have to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave
3. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the headmaster:
As I am studying in this school I am suffering from head-ache. I request you to leave me today
4. A family friend of our`s told an incident of his friend`s letter
I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the school
5. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.
6. Another leave letter written to Administration dept:
As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
