On Women's Day, we had a small programme in my husband's office. The program was organised by us, the wives contingent. We have a welfare association run by wives of the employees and women staff, exclusively of women. by women, for women. For the first time in my life, I stood infront of a mike alone. Even I couldn't believe it. But I managed  it fairly well. Now, you might be thinking what the hell I was doing there? I was the anchor. It's not that I am stupid. I have a good vocabulary and sort of liberal ideas, which of course, my husband prefers selective hearing. But, I did really well there. The wierd thing was, I was so tensed up and worried I may mess it up, before the programme started. But, once I was there, I was fine. Bold and proud and confident. I even got a  prize for essay writing on the topic "Modern Woman:- Challenges and Practical Solutions".

Now we had a chief guest, a psychologist. She gave a real good talk. And most of the people thought that it should have been a slightly longer programme. She was telling about the lack of self confidence and self respect. I wish I can remember it all. She was saying that unless we felt good about ourselves , we are devoid of that self pride, the people around us would also behave the same. First you start respecting yourself, then slowly you would see the people around you change their attitude towards you.

I have always struggled from a lack of self confidence. But I do manage in emergencies. That is, when I am pushed infront. Still I have suffered and am suffering due to low esteem. I do find it difficult  to even talk to people. I am not that sociable. That's the first reason I'm here. Because I don't have friends. Even when I meet someone, I mostly end up giving that stupid smile, never being able to make out what to say or how to atleast  start a civil conversation. And in the end , I'm depressed and just want to run off to some place where there's no one. Which , of course, I don't think I'll ever make.

In fact, now I am simply scared of people. But can't get away from them too. I'm just holding to some thin ray of sanity left. Because this loneliness is driving me craaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzy.  I have remained sane for as long as I can remember simply by talking to myself. Could never find a friend who is really special and most important who can think beyond the cooking, cleaning , washing limits and above the sati savitri concepts. It's not that I have any contempt for them. But can't stand their attitude that the gender make me hapless and helpless. I'm aware of the stories of all the heroic women. But just can't find a way out of my confusions.

Like somebody great said " Talent is of no use without opportunity".  I can't see the light. And I have been waiting for so long. It makes me so mad. That sometimes I feel like I am going to lose it. Do anybody understand what I say??

The bottom line is, I am somebody who has always dreamt and terribly wished to be so much but never in my life could do anything I had ever wanted . Only compromised all my life. And I'm tired of it now. I just don't know what to do, where to turn. And this confusion over an already confused and irritating life is driving me nuts. Good God, Do anybody care for losers and chickens? HELP!!!!! 
 
How the hell am I going to respect myself when I'm not doing anything I could feel proud of? And the worst thing is that, I do try very hard. I try very hard to do something, to bring a change. But nothing works. Everytime it is a complete mess. It's like my first name is Unfortunate, middle is confusion and last name is TROUBLE. Now I'm just waiting. Waiting for that right time, that I hope would come one day, and may be finally I'll be ME. And Finally I'll be off this invisible life.

Tags: me