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Posted on: Mar 29, '08

How not to be horn-i in Bangalore

This is a re-cycled post...one of those which i felt needs a fresh look.

Please forgive me for using the “h” word, but I couldn’t get the right one. Horn_i here means a driver who frequently uses the vehicle horn, mostly without any positive or useful effect. This having been clarified, henceforth the word will be spelt “horni”.

A fictional study conducted by a reputed automobile association has come up with some rather startling facts. It seems that in Bangalore, yellow-plate passenger vehicles (cabs, sumos/ qualis, mini-buses etc) on an average give a 16 percent higher mileage than other vehicles. And if it is used for call –centres / BPO companies, the figure goes further up to 18 percent. When I read this report, the engineer in me was intrigued.

So what is going on? How does one improve fuel efficiency? Well the bad news is that you can’t get higher mileage just by changing the colour of the number plate to yellow. You have to be seriously horni to get there. Here is how it works. As a result of continuous horni_ing, an envelope of charged particles is created around the front of the vehicle. This is a low-pressure area. So the air from the rear of the vehicle pushes the vehicle forward. Of course by this time the driver has created a further envelope in the front. This natural-assist is what reduces fuel-consumption. All of this of course requires skill.

And just how horni can you get? There are a number of places you can go to learn the art and science of being horni. Mostly these are places that are run as offshoots of driving schools. We met up with one of the people running a school. He was one Mr. Honkerappa from assholenarsipur Horni Driving School. He said that to really do a good job at being horni, you have to take at least 40 hours of instruction. He did however offer some tips. Here they are

· Well, the driver must know precisely when to be horni. Some recommended situations are: at traffic lights when there is no space for any other vehicle to move an inch forward or to the side;
· For added saving, being horni a split second after the traffic signal changes from red to green is highly recommended. Never mind the fact that you are sixth in line and it will be a full minute before the other vehicles in front of you move. Just be horni and see the performance go up.
· You must also recognize when someone else is being horni and hogging all the action. Never allow the vehicle in front of you to have an empty space in front of his vehicle. For the natural-assist to work, the space in front of YOUR vehicle must be empty. So be horni with all your might.

We also asked him if there was any special equipment or car accessory that was recommended. He suggested model PITA from M/s Balasubramanian Horn Company of Coimbatore. It’s a huge hit already with all call centre vehicles in Bangalore. You cant miss its strident / rude sound on Bangalore roads. It endows the driver with a rudeness quotient far beyond his biological limits. And its been proven to improve horniness. Interestingly, the advertising tagline of the company is “You can’t be seriously horni if you don’t have Bals”

Finally, are there any side effects or can one be horni all the time? Well occasionally you may come across a driver who takes offence at the rudeness. He may actually gun you down. It has been reported in the US of A. Then of course you can’t be horni around hospitals and schools. In my own case, I have a special sound–activated switch in my car. If someone is being too horni, the switch kicks in and my car remains stalled in front of the horne?y driver for 5 minutes. By which time he has lost it.

Recommended Reading:

· Medico Legal Issues in Horni Driving by Mr. Balasubramanian, Coimbatore.
· First Aid on the Road published by Bangalore Call centre Drivers’ Association
· If you are Horni, don’t do it from the backseat… Anonymous

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manisha_bhattacharya said:
Superb!!! If you ever come to Goa, I'm sure you'll find ample material for further study on this subject...

May 24, '08

jyotsna2496 said:
hi,

U r seriously funny. Happy blogging!

April 22, '08

sonikudi37 said:
I have two horns
left one goes PON PON
right one goes Pee pee
Thank yr stars I drive not horn i in yr vi ci ni ty!
p:)

April 10, '08

King-Bulls-Ring said:
Horns... Well I am getting fixed in my car these following some real HORNS:

1.One nice Hooter next to the side-view mirrors (ORVMs) for turning right and turning left, coz, noone, I Repeat NOONE looks at the indicators. So, Left turn will be Peeuuu-Peeuuu and Right Turn will be Pooomm-Pooomm.

2. For reversing, the now famous, Chok-a-Choki, Chok-a-Choki, Chok-a-Choki... at 150 decibels.

3. For braking, I am gonna have a Screeeachaa -Screeetchee, Screeeachaa- Screeetchee, Screeeachaa- Screeetchee, measuring 100 decibles at 15 meters Radius form inside any other closed vehicle.

I guess, after fixing these horns, I might be able to drive on Chennai roads more efficiently...

March 31, '08

BrainyBakra said:
Funny stuff. Real Horny.

Bangalore, my hometown, has changed a lot.

The traffic in this serene, sleepy, cool, garden city has worsened lately.

Call centre traffic. How true!!

It took complete 15 years to screw this beautiful city. IT boom has killed its soul.

Never before I have experienced so much stink of open sewers on mysore road.

Bangalore is dead oflate.

I weep for this place.

Thanks Sazzy, for sharing this piece.

Very well written, ratrace! Kudos!

March 31, '08

harsh7901 said:
morning hours n i get this blog to read..... same situation in almost all cities... prefer giving them side though...want to live long.. can't help smiling...n hope the effect lasts till late evening...thanx saz for sharing... rat for writing...

March 31, '08

Bharathselvan said:
Who is the driver and author of the post? Credit should have been given to him/her for the technical information on the creation of charged particles when it is horni. I feel it is a nuisance as a noise pollution.Any way thanks for sharing.

March 31, '08

dagnysharma said:
Hi,

Sazz.. honey thanks for shoving me in front of this piece... Talk of being horni...

If someone is being too horni, the switch kicks in and my car remains stalled in front of the horne?y driver for 5 minutes. By which time he has lost it.

i dont know about the driver.. but I surely LOST IT.... LAUGHING...

Trust You to be SO blessedly AGGRAVATING...

Cheers,

Dagny

March 31, '08

tito2008 said:
excellent. the horni is very much active in my city, all-pervading; even hospital, school roads are not kept empty. the traffic police might have already turned deaf, so also the people sitting pretty at the roadside school, mandir, masjid etc. inspired by the overall situation some hornis blow their mouth too -they are stereo hornis (not mono) - some of them are ex-militants. so who cares? everybody enjoys there rights....but above the din i prefer not be a horni; always keeping the glasses closed and the ac running! thanks sazzy, for recycling and rekindling the humour.

March 31, '08

madhumitaCAP2000 said:
Hahahah ,
it is really side splitting thanks sazzy for sharing

March 30, '08

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