Posted on: Apr 30, '08
Jab Koi Thumhara Dil Tode.. Part-III..
To read Part-I and Part-II, KLIK
Sunday afternoon. As lazy as a frog (!) who just had a bumble bee moth for lunch, I was dousing in the couch, with laptop nearby and the TV on mute mode flickering images.
Knock. Knock…
I got up even more lazier, opened the door and…
Enter the Dragon..
Ooops… Enter Dagny and her friend Annu…!!!
“Hey KB, This is Annu, I talked to you in length about her…”
“yeah.. Come on in…How are you doing today… Wecome to my Stable. I was about to make some tea… Lemme fix some for us all… make yourself comfortable…”
With the kettle of tea and some cookies, I sat down around the sofa.
“Well, How are you Dagny? And you Annujee… Howz life treating you these days” (I didn’t want her to reply honestly, as I knew how life was treating her, from her appearance).
Dagny “Great. Couldn’t be better”
Me “and… Annujee”
Annu “I am fine too” (in a feeble voice, I could barely hear).
“Well, let me start. I read the letter from Chandini to you and your own letter too”
“I would like to know something more about you Annujee”
“Your parents, your siblings and what you do in brief please…”
Annu “ My father is banker and wife – homemaker. I am eldest and have a sister and a brother. Sis is in college and brother in his 8th grade. I am working in an IT company as software engineer.”
“Great. That is enough for me”.
“You said, you never believed in falling in love and the movie romance was a mockery. But, it all changed when you met that one person. Is that not what happens in all those movies too Annujee….?”
“Yes.”
“And when it happens everything changes. You change. Your mind, thoughts, actions, likes, dislikes, the world around you changed.. right?”
She let out another feeble “yes”
I knew she is down in her deep memory lane. Or I should say memory ditch. I hate these memories, as they have mostly filth filled in and some sweet and gentle things in between.
“Suddenly you were not the You the previous day. “
“Suddenly, you had an altogether different purpose for life. “
“And the person was the Prince riding the black horse (Copyright Novacaine) and you were the Princess of the Seven Sea Islands…!!!”.
This time she didn’t even nod. I knew she didn’t like the course of the conversation, as it is just rubbing it in. Kind of saying ‘you-were-fool’ in her face.
Dagny intervened “Well KB, everyone falls in love feels the same way and behaves the same way… since ages don’t they? Whats wrong in that? Not every love affair failed..! Not every person lied…Now the question is What went wrong here”
Annu didn’t respond to that either.
I asked “Annujee, I don’t want to broad over the past. I will ask you a simple question. When did you find out or realize he was lying? I mean after how many months of your relationship?”
Annu “Almost after 9 months of our relationship”
“So, Until 9 months of relationship, you never had any indication that he might be lying”
“I never tried to know”
“Why”
“I don’t know”
“OK. Did you ever think of or analyze why everything changed when you met this guy? Didn’t you ever think there is something wrong with you? Did you ever not feel what’s happening is abnormal?”
“No. Rather I tried to cover it up for him.”
“Why” (That was my second Why).
This time too remained silent and I could understand.
Dagny had a curious incisive look at me, “What the hell are you up to KB.” Was the translation of that look.
“OK. Here is your tea. Sugar and cream you can add.”
I took my big mug of tea and started strolling the living room. I was talking to the windows and the shelves and to the TV. I didn’t face her, to let her feel at ease.
“Annujee, you have to take this with a pinch of salt. First of all, when you thought you didn’t believe in love in your early days, it was an illusion created by yourself in self-pity. The grapes are bitter for the fox who couldn’t reach ‘em. You try to turn away your face to those romantic scenes though you very well knew it all were fictitious. That was the first time you lied to yourself”
I let a few moments to pass.
“Then, when you met this person and slowly started changing yourself to suit the current change in situation, change in life, you lied to yourself the second time. You couldn’t maintain the same stature of ‘non-believer of falling in love’, which was an illusion in itself. So from one lie to another lie.”
Dagny intervened “Well KB, the whole thing about love itself is based on imagination, larger than life, beyond limits, in the clouds, which is a great feeling. Every living being do that. Everyone needs to be loved. It is the only thing that can connect one human to another human. There are hundreds of people who love, and live together without any problem at all. They understand each other, appreciate each other’s SWOTs and work around those SWOTs, and live happy life. Why do you call all these as lies…???”
I could see Annu’s face brighten up a tweak.
“OK. Agreed. It’s a great feeling… You know Dagny, once I had a long discussion with one of my friend Datta on the concept of ‘belongingness’. Everyone has the need of ‘belongingness’ They need to belong to somebody or something that gives them identity, satisfies their emotional needs. Now, every person’s degree of ‘need for belongingness’ varies. Those who has more need, would fall for love soon, while with less need, would take long time to fall in love.
Those who want to fall in love soon would ‘lie more’ and accept ‘lies’ more readily. Its both ways.
Second thing is the self-sympathy or inferiority complex. When you see others in love, you feel you are not up to it and it creates a negative attitude towards those who are in love and towards the very concept of love itself. And when something comes in your way, you suddenly grab it, not really looking at what you are holding on to. Its like a drowning man catching up to whatever comes to his hand – a piece of rope or a live python.
Now, Let me tell you something more. Heard about De Bono’s 6 thinking hats?
The White (Facts), Black (Negatives), yellow (Positives), Red (Emotions), Green (Creatives) and Blue (Process Control) Hats...
Here only one hat Annu has used in the entire episode.
The Red Hat – Emotions.
The white hat is Logical while the Red Hat is emotional.
Not believing in love, then falling in love, believing in love, finding the partner is not truthful, leaving the love, - all these are done using Red hat.
No White hat here. No Logical sense worked in the entire episode.
Now that she is down and beaten the Red hat is asking for explanation from the White Hat, which it could not offer.
After falling in love, passing the honeymoon period (Yes its not only marriage that has honeymoon, every relationship has a honeymoon period, where everything is supposed to be pink and rosy). Actually she started wearing the white hat only when her “need for belongingness” was fulfilled. When she felt at par with others who are already in love. What followed next was “Now that I am in love, like others, the emotional portion is satisfied and I can take off the Red Hat. Oh..! Now I need to put my White hat to analyze what I did was right or not.”
“When the white hat is on, the lies started become ‘visible’, which were there all along, hidden by the Red Hat”.
And it got strengthened to such extent, she had to dump the guy, as the Logical mind said to her ‘he is not worth it”.
So she dumped him. (I fixed my gaze on Annu’s face. Clear sign of defeat there, I didn’t dump him. I asked him to leave, as he was not worth it).
What next? This is the crucial juncture.
Some people go back and wear the Red Hat again and start being emotional, follow the same cycle again and again.
Some other smarties, and I hope Annu will be one of those,
- will wear the white hat to list down the facts,
- then wear the Black hat, to list down the negative, which she must be able to do very well, as she had gone through it all once,
- then wear the Yellow hat to discover the positives of the situation,
- Put the Green hat to find out what next can be done to suit her better in life so that she doesn’t do the same mistake again,
- And finally put on the Blue hat to develop a plan for future. A personality change that would reflect her experience and wisdom.”
I looked up into Annu’s eyes. She seemed to have calmed down and understood the entire conversation, though she didn’t participate in it. Her mind seemed to be thinking about all that were talked about in the room.
Finally she said “Thanks KB. I think I should throw the Red hat away and I will be alright”
I replied instantly “NO. Never do that. People without emotions are stones. Your smartness is in identifying the hats and deciding when to use which hat. Keep all the 6 hats handy. Never get under the influence of any one or more hats, that you throw the other hats away.”
Love is a beautiful thing. It is a beautiful feeling. Remember, it becomes the Ultimate that everything else fades into oblivion once struck by the cupid. This is like wearing the Red hat and throwing all other hats away. Thats why when it fails (like any other relationship), the Hell breaks loose and one sees the Dooms day right in front.
If one understands this, he/she will always have all the hats handy. (Not only in love, but, in any relationship). And time and again keep changing the hats and analyze the situation.
Fall in Love. Nothing Wrong but, keep the pole or rope at reaching distance and in view, lest you drown.
Tags: love failure, love, relationship
LovelyStars said:
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