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Posted on: May 07, '08

And then there was one!

I could not write a letter as Chandini as I've already told Dagny, but I thought I could help by sharing my insight and giving hope in my own negative, heartless way. Knowing this is a heartbreak-fiction-tag game i'm just wondering hypothetically so no offense intended. If you can't read long stuff, scroll down to the end of this post for a snappy one line summary. That cool or what? I believe a reality check is essential to deal with life's problems, it can worsen the pain and increase the bouts of crying but helps us accept facts and numb down. We'll even stay calm when Armageddon is declared.

I'm trying to read Chandini's boyfriend's mind so that we can crack his vault, literally. Could it be possible the guy realized Chandini wasn't 'the one' for him anymore? Is it possible Chandini unknowingly created a near hostile environment for him to tell the truth? And so the guy had to lie to get past her just to avoid the chaos, verbal combat, tears.. all that 'let's try to work things out, PLEASE!!' and the nearly abusive 'But why don't you feel the same way as before...why, WHY??'. I, for one, can imagine being terrified of that confrontation. As being with him was Chandini's reason to be happy, what if he began to feel that being without Chandini was his? It's easier to run away(and lie) sometimes than to have to explain yourself to someone you once had feelings for and tell them that you've stopped loving them. Some (disappearing)feelings don't have explanations. Some things can't be fixed. We just have to respect and deal with them as they are.

I understand that I do not know what all he's lied about so can't say much. If the lies are indeed grave, he could have one of those disturbing personality disorders. Now THAT would be fun.

The way I see broken relationships, each one of us is not always perfect and lovable from another person's view; contrary to what we'd love to presume. We're flawed, we can come across as annoying and obnoxious at some point no matter how good we think we are or are told we are in the initial stages. I am a faulty piece of evolution, you are, they are, she is and he is too, deny all you want; but it's nothing to get hysterical or concerned about- simple timeless reality. 'Perfect people' is a myth. Accept. Time changes thoughts, views, wants, needs. What's cute and interesting today is irritating tomorrow, what's profound today is crap tomorrow. Unless they really feel the need to compromise and settle, most people usually prefer constant change. And then if they want change AFTER settling down, well, we all know how that story goes. Ho hum.

Our love and loyalty may not be continually appreciated and reciprocated- people could grow bored and tired of us(some quicker than others, some never)- that must not shock us or wither us away or make us feel worthless; it's a universal reality that sucks and a reality we choose not to see but a reality nonetheless! Accept it, deal with the truth. Do note that I've been generalizing because we're speaking of broken relationships where one party was clueless and still head over heels while the other was all set for a Houdini. Dicey!

The only reason Chandini is still dwelling in and analyzing her over and done with relationship is because she can't accept that the man she loved did not respect her enough to tell her the truth. He lied and was the least bit bothered about what she thought, he didn't even care to explain his lies which only means that he didn't value her at all. The only truth and only conclusion is that she held NO place in his life. This has ripped her self worth apart and left her bewildered. It would do the same to any one of us. We need to deal with the truth of the ordeal instead of only trying to find tips on growing smarter and oh-it's-his-loss. Yes, it is his loss but it's Chandini's loss too. She needs to respect herself again and for that she needs to accept that she has been cheated and rejected. Everyone gets cheated and rejected dammit, it's not about being smart or perfect or psychic. Time and chance and people control us. One of those other realities that suck. Why must we be defensive and in denial when it comes to someone else's life decisions?

I felt that Chandini was being a doormat NOT because she believed his lies or was gullible or 'dumb' during their relationship. She is a doormat because she keeps blaming herself, she has convinced herself somehow that she is a 'victim' and is making changes within for the shortcomings of another human being. I just don't get what that's about? Why should Chandini feel guilty and correct herself because of what an ass did? Would Chandini have felt like a victorious, proud, powerful lady if he'd asked her to marry him and lived happily ever after? Is her worth as a human being and her individuality based on what her significant other decides/chooses/does/does not do? She should have been delighted she found out the truth and that it's over before he nominated himself for her life insurance and ..

For all of us, keeping the faith is important because we have to live and go on without being a super grouch. Unless we're comfortable being a grouch, in which case we don't need all this. But if you still want to be around people, be able to share and do people things; without having a third, fourth and fifty-fifth eye observing every potentially suspicious tic, bead of sweat and change in pupil size; then you need to relax, keep faith in yourself, in your sense of self worth and in your own strengths. Learn about yourself, know your weaknesses, find your faults, change or improve some aspect if you want and can. At the same time, make an effort to understand other people, their views, their feelings, wonder about what they want, try to feel their comfort/discomfort, respect their choices. In this process of gaining knowledge and improving your sensitivity towards others, brace yourself for another heartbreak. Be ready to say goodbye even when you don't want to. Now that's a positive way of being in a negative world.

Whatever the past/present/future be, Annu and Chandini need to know that what others evoke in them through praise, criticism, loyalty, respect, love, hate, indifference- is insignificant to their inherent state of well being and will only bring momentary surges in joy/grief. But what they feel about themselves- that's going to be the baseline of contentment in their life. The day she does know and respect herself- with her weaknesses and strengths, Chandini's attitude will be 'him? him who?' or will respond to Annu's crisis with a 'trash is as trash does, what's to ponder about?' with a smile and a wink! We won't feel the need to hang on to every bit of the sad episode that won't help our today. Sure her memory of him will hurt forever(and i believe it's very natural and healthy to cry) BUT she will not spare him the energy of much analytical thought. Letting go will gradually become a piece of the most delicious chocolate cake.(see after that shitload of agony aunt bull i had to end on a yummy note)

SUMMARY- So all I really wanted to say was that basically Chandini and Annu and their ex's are just a few of the gazillion mere mortals; mortals who will either screw or get screwed.

Tags: boredom, sensitive, change, divorce, deception, lies, cheat, naivety, dagny, heartbreak, broken, heart, relationship, psychopath, antisocial, chocolate cake

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sonikudi37 said:
I agree for once and can go even more caustic on this one

September 19, '08

InkTank said:
lovely narration...relationships are so much more complex most of the times na?

June 04, '08

sriangood said:
Relationships are difficult to write ... even the master shrink from it, as a perfect analysis that appeals to all is difficult to achieve.

I must, howevr congratulate you on a very adept treatment of a difficult situation.

May 14, '08

ammu41 said:
Hi Asy... sorry for my late comments... I can see you in this blog... thats all I feel about in this blog. I can understand the deep and intense feelings of love and betrayal in this post. The more and more you get involved in relationships and emotions the more you will find it all silly, but then if it is one and a deep one for the first time then the emotions of betrayal or love is strong and deep, which surely breaks a person or rather tell shattered. More precisely everyone goes through this phase of life sometimes in their lives... and as time passes, gods best given gift to mankind, forgets about it and feels less for it... so time makes things vanish the pain, agony, and feelings that are unbearable. No words to express the way you have put it in, simply so good to read.

May 11, '08

ASYLUM said:
On wits-end's infinite note.

http://www.fropper.com/posts/12532

May 10, '08

ASYLUM said:
wits-end, your thoughts have touched upon so many lives throughout the centuries!! those who convince themselves to live within the confines of preset rules instead of instincts AND the ones left behind when they don't. It's all sad really, and chaotic because there are no fingers to point and yet it's a conflict. Marriage is a perfect concept for robots. Wonder if serious pre-commitment psyching courses would help! The tears will never stop, that's for sure!

May 10, '08

Ledzep said:
wits-end's helped push the boundary between self-interest and selfishness...

heres a thought - maybe if parents indulge early cravings for change and novelty, fewer teacups would be purchased. less paint too...

cheers!

May 10, '08

wits-end said:
After all it isn’t a mistake when I repaint my house every 5 yrs or change my cups every 6 months for no better reason than that I’m bored of drinking tea in the same thing every morning & crave change? I know many will consider me frivolous for resorting to these examples, but the fact is that our minds have immense capacity for love of all kinds – for parents who may not be our own or children who may belong to our friends. How does it then become so wrong to love & share ourselves with another wo/man other than the wedded spouse? Where does this leave marriage & what meaning does it retain? Importantly, what happens to the spouse who never felt an urge to connect or love someone else & feels betrayed by her mate? After all, there would hardly be any tears if all couples fell in & out of love at exactly the same moments & to the same partners!

You gave me permission to get tangential. :-)) just a lot of questions .....

May 10, '08

wits-end said:
More importantly, what do I do if my love for my mate remains undiminished & yet enables me to love another/others? Describing dorothea’s love for the young lydgate george eliot writes in Middlemarch, “ … it didn’t take away anything from her love for the ailing Casaubon (husband). Instead, it gave her a joy & freedom that made her love Casaubon more tenderly..”. When the whole idea of marriage is based on a creed of ‘exclusivity’ that is as tyrannical & old fashioned as copyrights & patents of old songs & books, what alternative is left to the average wo/man but to conceal or resort to half truths? Of course, I am talking about an different situation & not chandni or anu. Actually, most of this resonated after I’d read that first blog on soulmates & then sazzy’s take on the chandni episode.
I often hear ‘philandering’ couples use the term ‘honest mistake’ to explain away their distractions. Why mistake? How can a primal & instinctive need for variety, novelty & discovery be so wrong

May 10, '08

wits-end said:
first, it’s refreshing reading something that doesn’t perceive people & relatnships in terms of ascribing blame to one party. That’s mature, admirable & rare. Having said that I wonder all too often abt our responsibility to the ‘self’ & to the ‘others’. Thing is, no other species is probably as hypocritical abt this chasm as we are. We teach & praise selflessness & sacrifice & then do our best to strip those very qualities off frm others around us; we heap highfalutin praise on individuality & selfhood & yet go out to denigrate & persecute the one who really strives to preserve himself. A natural fallout of this inherent dichotomy is that we label ppl who break our trust & hurt us as a ‘others’. However, isn’t it imp that we ask whether that trust & expectation was misplaced in the first place? After all, I don’t accuse my junior of betrayal when he leaves the company for a better offer. What does the individual who has indeed drifted apart from his mate do?

May 10, '08

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