Life… My Beloved…

The first time I came across the concept of life as something eternal… flowing in the same rhythm always… blind to the wishes of individuals and their concerns… was when I read the climax and ending of the Ayn Rand’s We the Living. To tell you the truth, I understood nothing… merciful absolute zero. In the typical arrogance of youth I even remember muttering… What absolute Bull…! I was indignant and irritated. Lousy ending… I told myself and tried to shove the matter there. But I had too much respect for Ms Rand. The issue kept niggling at me… teasing, elusive and irritating… like an unsettled argument with someone. 

In retrospect, it seems as if life knew I doubted its eternal nature. It took me up and flung me into a whirlwind so powerful… my eyes lose their focus even now when I think of it. The whirlwind lasted eight years. By the time the eight years ended… my perspective of life had swung diametrically opposite to where I am now. I wonder what happened... and how I survived it. But I did… that’s all that is relevant now. 

Limping back to some semblance of normalcy was like trying to walk after being shut up in a lightless vault for all of those eight years. But I wasn’t accepting life even then. I was too much in a temper… too angry… with myself… and with life. I resisted with all my strength to stop the flow of life in me… to stem the joy. But it became stronger and stronger with each day. It felt like I was getting drunk after being denied for so long. I was even more annoyed with myself. It seemed like a colossal betrayal to me… almost as if I had reneged on my own soul. 

Then I began to read the Gita aloud to my mum-in-law while she lay in one hospital bed after another, her body racked with the pain of fighting a losing battle with cancer. I read to her… and watched her agony. The sick senseless pain which I could not deal with… yet a pain she could confess only to me. She knew I will bear it stoically and not get upset. Yes I was stoic in the face of her pain. But my hatred for life… my anger at its heartless caprices knew no bounds. I hated life. Totally. 

But life wasn’t done with me yet. The words I had read to mum-in-law, created echoes in the ether, traveled round the universe and began reverberating in my ears long after she had gone home and was at rest. I shut my ears to them. NO… was the only response left to me it seemed. The biggest possible NO flung at life. Life laughed up its sleeve at me… making me go berserk with anger. It knew it was only a question of time and those words would speak to me in their own time… in their own rhythm… just like life herself always had. 

It took another whirlwind to bring about the acceptance. I think I must have become wiser because this one lasted only five years. “Discounted Price”, I thought, impressed. Is it because I haven’t really much energy left to fight? Could it be that I know there isn’t much time left? Or is it that I have accepted life... No, not accepted… the word is such an ugly insult to the exuberance that is life. Embrace..? Yes… that is the right word. Did the embracing of life come before or did the rewards? I don’t know… and I don’t care. Like my love and hatred for life… these two also kept happening in tandem… spiraling together… closely entwined. 

It now seems so strange to me. All those years I was fighting with life… holding endless arguments… denying her love… she was there. The love of her was rising in my blood inexorably all through the years. The more passionate my resistance… my hatred… the more she bound me close to her. She kept holding me together through the worst times of my life… when I thought she had abandoned me like a heartless wretch. She put me through those times to prove her love for me. She knew I needed to go through all I did to reach where I am today. 

Now…? Now there is nothing but an uncluttered road ahead. There is nothing I want anymore. All the while I thought I was waiting for my share of rewards. I thought I was bearing punishment. But I was so wrong. I never noticed the rewards. Now I see them. I see the peace… the patience… the embracing... the free flow that's life. I see my joy in someone’s effort to struggle and win. With each such win… I see life winning. 

Oh Life…! How I love you my beloved….!! 

Tags: love, life, joy, sorrow, beloved

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