Posted on: May 17, '08
How Could I forget her?
I first thought of this a few days after Women's day. I was reading about all the brave women who survived the loss of their husbands and the sufferings and will that took them in raising up their kids. And I was thinking about me, that I don't have anything to write like this. And remember, I was thinking about only ME. Feel that I am self centric?? Well!!! Somebody has to think about me too. Right now the only person who realises that I am alive is ME. Guess I am one of those invisible people who just live and die every other day.
So what I was trying to say was Suddenly my Mother came to my mind, one of those days. And I wondered Why I didn't write about her. Because I have always thought that she is quite brave, although lonely. I have finally come to write about her... late... even though after Mother's Day(which I forgot until noon).Now, the story goes like this.
My mother came from a rich family (an intercaste marriage of her parents which none talks about. Past is past. But I find it fascinating). Her mother was rich(I would like to point out that neither my mother nor her 5 siblings were given rights to the property.) and it is said that her father tortured her mother to death when she was barely 2 or 3 yrs old and her younger sister a baby. He also had another wife at the same time and brought her home after my grandma's death. My grandpa was quite a conventional male specimen and it is my assumption, or rather my belief that he might have prided himself in his reproductive abilities for he had altogether 16 kids. That's quite a feat. Isn't it?? My mother are altogether 6 and their steps' 10. I never saw my grandpa until the day he died. One eternally long log draped in cloth. Nobody talks about him too. Guess none of them can forgive him. Can't blame them either?? It happens only in films.
So like all the second marriages, here too the step mother is the vamp. She tortured my mother's brigade anyway and everyway she can. My mother and her siblings were made to wash all the clothes from the hotel(Gran had a hotel) and also clean up the the two storied house from an early age. And only after that, they were allowed to go to school(I am ashamed at myself). they weren't given any books to study. They studied borrowing other kid's books and wrote with pencils almost finished. And even after all the work back home after they come back from school, they weren't allowed to even look at their books. She would take away their books if she see them studying and wouldn't allow them to even light a candle to study. They wore torn up clothes, slept like beggars and lived a life of misery every moment being reminded how unwanted they are.
But surviving all this, somehow they managed to study. And when my mother's elder sister got married and employed, one by one, each of them left home to stay with her. My mother's eldest bro-in-law was such a nice person that he took them all in and send them to college and helped them all get employed. And of course, they got all of the married too. All of them were in govt service and retired except my mom's younger sister and husband who is still in service.
There are times my mother tells me (I am her listener. By now every episode of her life byheart), that if I were in her position I wouldn't have survived even a day. That's when I fight with her or when I spend lavishly(which I try not to but just not in my control. That's a lousy excuse. But Honestly, I try). Because they(both my parents) have suffered a lot in their early days and achieved everything in life on their own with their hard work, they always made sure that we have everything and never let us know how hard they toil to meet our demands(which I still feel is a big mistake that parents do). So we never knew and always took them for granted. Of course, I regret that.
But tests didn't end there for my mother. She survived two miscarriages, in law harassment and I guess humiliation at times. I used to fight for her with my grandma. So my gran and I never went along. She also survived cunning sis-in-laws too. But atlast my gran realised that it's only my mother for her, too late, at her death bed. But Then you can't undo all that you have done in a life time. Still my mother sometimes talks of her affectionately. Maybe because, she knew the loss too well.
Nowadays, I feel like life is making her bitter. I find her complaining that my father does not trust her(an eternal complaint). My father loves her. But he is of the type who gives more importance to his friends and other relatives, even though even we can see how much they are taking advantage of him. This makes her so frustrated at times that she just goes on talking about the old times and all the bad things that she has overcome. And believe me, it is so disturbing that I am left confused and angry the rest of my life. Respect is a very important part of love and especially marriage. I don't know why people overlook it and think that you don't have to respect the people you love.( Atleast my hubby thinks so. For him, love and respect are poles apart.).
I am angry that I know everything But there's hardly anything I can do. I can't wipe off her past and give the life she misses back to her. And there are lots of other things too. It disturbs me to see that even though my parents are together, they are so so ........ I don't know. I guess this is something she is going to live with and along with her, if I live after her, I would also live with it. The worst thing about all this is that, I can't find a balance in my life. I am confused, frustrated, angry, and stuck. I feel like history is going to repeat. Atleast the hubby part. And I am afraid I am going to be left alone and bitter like my mom. Well.... I am almost there. I am already closing down. Nowadays I am finding it quite difficult even to talk to people. And it's driving me CRAZY.
But even in all this, something I know and would never be able to tell her straight, and I wish she knows is that I love her.
I LOVE YOU AMMA.
I like to believe that She knows.
Tags: mother's day, life after life
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