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Posted on: Jul 17, '08

Isn’t this another version of love???

Recently I have read lots of blogs on marriage, love, infidelity, extramarital relationships and many other stories related to the same theme. During a recent special short term project, I got a chance to get associated with a closed group of 25 people. I quickly befriended with 4 people, Ritu*, Rahul*, Jassi* and Shreya *….they are all married for almost 8-9 years now and really seemed to be too vibrant and happy.

Well marriage was sure to emerge as a premise we all used to plunge in often during our conversation. I, being a party to that, that too a neutral one attempted to have an insight into how marriage as an institution evolved itself in their respective lives.

Almost everyone agreed that after the first two years, reality strikes. Excitement fades with increasing familiarity and a clash of personalities begins. I really wondered whether these could be taken as the danger years, when partners gasped for personal space and start looking for what they have lost- outside the knot.

Do the habits once, source of pleasure and happiness and taken rather as yardstick to measure the similarity and common grounds on indulgence, start looking peculiar and start getting on the nerves and partners do get intolerant towards the flaws???

Why in a marriage only, where opinions and tastes which are tend to differ normally too, attain a size so severe almost on everything.

I was really amused to find that within these two periods, almost with everyone “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” and other books of the genre had started appearing on bedside tables. Does it indicate towards an attempt to understand the rising incompatibility???

I finally mustered courage to ask my four friends rather bluntly, how do they feel when they can see their husbands eyeing pretty young things and their wives dressing up for the delight of a flirtatious colleague, which is a common scene happening during the official get-togethers and parties.

So during such a party, as long time friends as we discussed ‘The State of the Marriage’ on that Saturday evening, finally the truth came tumbling out: “Happily ever after”, which adorns the ending of every fairy tale is still a myth.

Ritu says that she feels marriage is no reason to shun intelligent and entertaining company, male or female. In fact this interaction makes up for the communication which gradually declines at home. But it never implies that being with males friends mean that there has been any temptation to stray- so far.

So, if we look at the whole situation hypothetically, the probability of indulging in affairs always exists. As Ritu added, she knew several male colleagues, who bored with marriage and faced with opportunity, indulge in affairs. At the end, she actually exclaimed though with little uncertainty that the relationship actually does them good, they appear to be more vibrant and happy.

So when I asked them whether infidelity could be taken as the cure for marriage blues all four simply denied.

Then what is that which they do apart from age defying creams for women and Viagra for men to bring the zing back?

They simply smiled at this idea though the men confessed that in an attempt to revive their youthful zest at a clandestine stag excursion to a joint renowned for uninhibited female dancers. But when the dancers sashayed in and started to divest themselves of their clothes, all four rushed for the exit. Rahul added “It was disgusting”, to my amusement.

So what is that which keeps the partners together, was my next question to them, to which Shreya answered with uncertainty, “Middle class values and a sense of responsibility, maybe”.

All of them however agreed that after few years the men & career oriented women too stick to the thrill of their thriving careers to pep them up. Shreya has revived an old love-music, Ritu has an independent social life and Rahul resorts to sharing his kitchen wisdom..with his wife. “If we serve dal and rice in an innovative manner, even the mundane becomes tantalizing.”

If romance starts retreating, sex turns mechanical and conversation is a mere a chore, what keeps the partners together?”

Is that still a growing with a disenchantment or they have found something more stable than passion? Has the lover become a friend?

Don’t you think that after weathering the worst of each others’ personality, there is understanding and empathy under all the exasperation?

There is a space and a comfort zone within relationships which occurs that allows them to be themselves, and they would rather be with each other than any one else in the whole world? Isn’t this another version of love???

Tags: men, women, marriage, infidelity, extramarital, realtionship, career, love, friend, personality

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samaksh2000 said:
whn it comes to tend to progress towards effecting a bending in any or some manner, to the established decent best practice , decide to find out if it happns "inspite of" or "bcuz of" marriage.
"more things belong to marriage than middle class values n responsibility..."
could be any of those simplistic assumptions or hypotheses oftn driven merely by personl caprices but the ve thinking is to ascertain its case-based validity in the touch-stone of trust n understandinng...
compare ideas of trust pronounced in fabl ths way..man chanced to walkin on beachline GOD alongside..luks around, finds footprints left by them on sand bhind but dismayed tht its sometimes only oneFP set cutting along parallel 2 files -one his n oth fr God's, luks up in th sky tht's depicting immages of his lif's good time bad time vv bad times he hs gottn ovr.Asked his query abt stretches showing only singl row FP,n ansrd GOD i hd to carry u back-lift to crossovr tht vvbad time goingson fr u went tooweary

July 28, '08

geetsudha said:
hi sweetie,sorry to b late to comment,but im here nw.trust is a major part of any relationship,when it breaks it hurts,same in marriage,problem is most of us are x honest to each other,thats y the problem starts. we are changing n growinng all the time,so what they knew before,may b dont know any more,because we lack real communication as we do with our frnds.coz of the fear,they might say,we were alright before,how cum u did x tell me before. well things change, we grow, we mature,we know what we really want nw but we dont tell our partners about that.love is all about respecting each other,their views.the first attraction is x love.affairs happen when something is wrong in our own relationship,it does x happen coz of the 3rd party.so talk to each other honestly like frnds and try to sort out those feelings.dont go for affairs guys, just talk to each other about ur fantacies,desires and c hw it changes the whole scenario.

July 27, '08

binduhu said:
hi sumedha
very nice blog
but...
i agree with brainy bakra n sree2000km
marraige is all trust ..commitmment..n security!
n i dont know abt others but my marriage is my anchor for life
"sex turns mechanical and conversation is a mere a chore, what keeps the partners together?” ...
no this isnt the case in my marraige..infact though we were strangers at marraige..our physical compatibitlty is the best part!!!!
u have to be married to understand it
n no its not bad
its gud..very gud to be married
if u r thinking of it
find smone who understands u n whom u undr stnd
1st be frnds..them roommates..then flatmates..then lovers..then husband n wife!!
wat say??
n respect him

July 26, '08

baba1020 said:
nice

July 26, '08

chennai405 said:
Hi Sumedha
two terms are different alttitude. may be one in another. but havs different measurement.
Marriage is bonded by children/parents and open sweet life. Love is closed life and need not be bonded otherthan that particular two.. Not only marriage .. for any in life .. the repeated event in continous processes is bored after a period that may be two years or two months.

thanks
bye

July 25, '08

dagnysharma said:
Sumedha,

For me marriage is one thing only. Committment.

To know you will have a witness to your life... and be a witness to someone's life. To know no matter what you do... however trivial... however small... is important to one person... because at the end of the day... despite differences... despite irritations... despite unshared values... you are still the center of someone's world.

For the sake of that... I can put up with bad temper... arguments and financial swings... and still feel blessed.

I wont say this was a good writeup. I dont think it needs to be said. My response is a tribute to how deeply you have stirred me.

Cheers,

Dagny

July 24, '08

rishi_in_search said:
well after marriage LOVE between hubby and wify
is Lots Of Verbal Encounters !

July 24, '08

creativefront said:
Yes you are correct Sumedha that after the first two years of marriage, the relation between husband & wife is dependent on
Reality
Fading of excitement
&
Clash of personalities.
It's also well known fact that before marriage Love between two young persons is not matured.
In my openion marriage is only the institution between the persons of opposite genders for keeping love to years together. But for happy married life balancing in views, thinking & act is also very necessary.
Thanks Sumedha for writing a very general subject in great way. I liked the way, Questioning & answering it practically.This special style of writing differentiate you from others.

July 24, '08

unflappable said:
Dear Sumedha-right u r-but why do i look forward to getting home in the evening-she immersed in her serials,and cooking-why do i wake up in the morning and am happy tp see her by my side-why do i listen to her informed judgements knowing fully well how off the mark she is -and still let her be the master of my life-the point is that she is the anchor of the moving ship-much can be written-strictly my feeling-that maight help in ur defi ning love-marriage-fling-spark.

July 23, '08

Latav2063 said:
Hi tenjade,
Quite an interesting post. Growth and change in life is inevitable and with that perceptions also change. But caring and good understanding on the part of both ensures a smooth marriage..I suppose this is also love..

July 23, '08

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