The Twin

Her name was Sneh. All her life she tried to BE Sneh… really tried. 

What had she to show for the effort to BE Sneh? Nothing really. Or maybe that isn’t right. She did have 2 failed marriages to show for it. The fact that the marriages failed, proves that she failed to BE Sneh. What a sin…! 

Her name was Sneh. All her life she tried to BE Sneh… really tried. 

She was always an independent little beast. She was too opinionated and too much of a rebel. Like all rebels, she was idealistic. The idealism is not a bad thing in itself actually… as long as you keep it hidden… as long as you don’t throw it people’s faces. You weren’t supposed to walk your path unconcerned with what people expect of you. There is nothing that enrages people more… nothing that makes them resent you more. After all, if your brilliance becomes a mirror mocking me all the time how can you expect me to forgive you? 

Her name was Sneh. All her life she tried to BE Sneh… really tried. 

After her second marriage ended- in 3 weeks- she knew there was something wrong with her. After all two men couldn’t be wrong. So she decided to forget trying to BE Sneh. The deck was stacked against her. She tried to change herself. But then it never works, does it? All you manage to accomplish is to lose what little identity you have. What was her identity…? That she was Sneh? No... her identity was limited to just one sentence. 

That her name was Sneh… and she had tried to BE Sneh… really tried.... and failed. That failure became her identity.

Tried but failed. So she stopped trying. She decided to concentrate on her work. But she knew her terrible guilt. She was tainted. She tried so hard to keep herself cheerful. When she found she couldn’t…. she made a compromise with herself. She kept her dead and dying self hidden behind a false cheerfulness. She managed to get away with it… because there was no one close enough to look into her eyes and discover the sham. But she knew. She despised herself for living a lie every moment of her life. 

Her name was Sneh… and she had tried to BE Sneh… Tried and failed. 

Then he came. He? Oh yes…! He… you know… the twin. She had a twin? No no… tsk.. she didn’t HAVE a twin. When he came he wasn’t her twin. He was just one of the many people she met and parted with in the course of her days. She always fought shy of people… refusing to let anyone come close…specially men. She had still not forgiven herself. For What..? Oh....

That her name was Sneh… and that she had tried to BE Sneh… But failed. 

She didn’t get time to put up the walls this time. He stormed into her life. Two days was all it took. One minute he was on the outer-most periphery of her consciousness. The next thing she knew he had taken over. Taken over..? Yes… he took over… mind and body, heart and soul. It was as if she had been waiting for him all along. It was unnerving. She had never met anyone who answered her questions 2 steps before she thought of asking them… never met anyone who matched her appetite for life… or was as full of contradictions as she was. Their talk was something no one could have made head or tail of. They were constantly jumping ahead of each other knowing what was going to be said next and responding to that. He was the most life giving person she had met. She stopped short... and reminded herself...

That… Her name was Sneh… and that she had tried to BE Sneh… Tried and failed… but…. 

For the first time in her life, she felt alive. She was allowed to be as brilliant as she naturally was. She no longer had to hide it as a guilty secret… no longer had to slow her pace so that the MAN wouldn’t feel stupid. She no longer had to impose a death on herself by pretending to be an ordinary, predictable and dull. What do they call it? Normal. Is there any word more hateful than that? It was almost like saying that the sun had to be mild like a light bulb because its excessive brilliance hurt the eyes. She rebelled... and tried to forgive herself the unspeakable sin.....

That… Her name was Sneh… and that she had tried to BE Sneh… Tried and failed… yet… 

She met someone who was so strong that he didn’t feel threatened by her strength. He appreciated the challenge in fact. He didn’t treat her like a dumb woman. She felt secure in his respect for her. What an ordinary thing it is… to have someone treat you as an equal. It is ordinary till you thirst for it all your life and don’t get it. Her soul danced inside her. Every fiber of her being was steeped in a joy that defied description. She felt clean and light… no longer carrying the burden of another’s breath-sucking, mind-numbing expectation. He was her twin… and he set her free. She knew at last what Sneh was . 

Her name was Sneh… and now… she WAS Sneh… She knew why she had failed to BE Sneh all her life. How could she be… she had never understood what it was… for she had gone through her life LOVELESS. 

Now...? She was home at last....!

Tags: love, rebel, marriage, failure

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