Posted on: Sep 04, '08

The manifestation of my destiny
I am learning that not every experience or emotion was meant to be shared. Sometimes you just need to hold some things close to your heart and keep them there for safe keeping. By nature I am a very generous person. Generous with my time, with my affection, and even sharing myself with others. But I had to learn that giving all of yourself to someone who can't see the value of your gift is as foolish as throwing all of your gifts into the sea for safe keeping. I also had to learn that saving some things for myself doesnt make me selfish. I always put others first, many times to the detriment of myself and then wonder why I am so stressed and worn out all the time. It is not my role in this life to make everything perfect, nor should it be. Perfection is an illusion. Those things that appear perfect on the surface are usually the things are are untouched by the daily rigors of life. Life is messy, and its hard. You get battle scars from it, but you live through it and become a more beautiful person because of it. I am learning to love all my scars because they are testament to the strength and courage that I have dwelling within this sometimes too fragile heart of mine.
I was just listening to my favorite song of all time....Someone to Love by Mint Condition. Because I am a lover of language, more than the harmony or melody...or bass lines or uptempo beats...its the lyrics that grab my heart and wont let go. I first heard this song when I was around 16. I knew nothing about love other than I wanted it. But when I heard " Someone to love, someone to hold, someone to kiss, with you I wanna grow old. Someone to tease, someone to please, so just believe I'll always be faithful.." I knew I wanted someone to love, not someone to lust, or someone to have sex with or someone to just casually kick it with, I wanted someone to love. And that quest has led to some of the most excrutiating pain that I have ever felt in my life. The worse thing for a man to feel is rejection when all he wants is to be loved. Everytime a man meets a new woman, he hopes beyond hope that she will be the one that will love him for a lifetime, even if she isnt the woman of his dreams, he figures he will learn to dream of her men begin to settle for anyone that resembles the woman they hope for, all the while settling for something that is way below what they really deserve, because they have given up hope that they will find their 1trulove. What so many man fail to realize is a soulmate isnt someone you meet that makes everything perfect, someone who rides in on a white horse to save the day. A soul mate is someone that your soul connects with, someone who leads you to your life's lessons and ultimately your destiny. Someone who brings out the best in you, even if you have to go through some things for that transformation. A diamond only becomes a diamond after it is pressured and stressed, so why should life be any different? A soul mates makes you a better person by virtue of being the image of what you are in your soul. Sometimes that soulmate ends up also being your life mate, sometimes they were just brought into your life to lead you to your life's greatest potential. As unromantic as that sounds, that is a true soulmate. And in my weeks of introspection, I know I have found mine. It is not the fairy tale version of a soulmate that I envisioned when I heard the words to this song, but she has enabled me to see beyond what I am to what I am destined to become. Through heartbreak and tears, I have found reserves of strength that I was unawared exisited before I was forced to use them. Somehow, I had forgotten how strong, intelligent and how much of a treasure I really am. In spite of the drama that has shrouded my life the past few months, I needed to go through all of that to understand my worth. I had become so complacent, allowing myself to be spoiled by women that really didnt care if I in fact became a better person as long as I stayed beautiful in their eyes. I wasnt encouraged to grow, out of fear I may outgrow them. So I stayed rooted in a position I had long since outgrown because I was surrounded by people whose growth I had long since surpassed. But she encouraged me to fly, even if she had to watch me fly away. She made me understand that it isnt another person's responsibilty to see my greatness, it is my responsibility to make it shine without effort. She is the manifestation of my destiny...
Tags: