Posted on: Sep 24, '09
MY repentence.
My repentance
The story of a man’s repentance.
I dedicate the title of this blog to my friend serendipity(anuradha).its her idea.and its written by me,the story.this happens to be the last blog of mine on fropper since I go for an year or so now for work.but I will be back.someday.
So here it is..
I never loved her.i just wanted her.simple.she was with me since 4-5 yrs now.and I told her everyday I loved her.i was a man alright and she was a lovely girl.only my desire to be surrounded by many more lovely ladies surpassed the love she gave me.yes,pure unconditional,unadulterated love.she was like the wind,the rain.the dew,the fragrance that made my life worthwhile till she was ,and I never realized.
I had met ri at my uncle’s house when I was just 24.she looked hot in that grey short gown she wore that day.i was a small town man who instantly fell for her raw charm and allure.her raven black hair and those gleamy eyes told me she was vibrant.the 1st reaction to her was “wish I could hold u close”
We soon got to know each other and became gr8 friends.i would often travel down from my nearby city to hers to meet her and on her b’day.she was 22.that day i had got her a pearl studded shirt.and how I had borrowed money from my friends for this.but I just wanted her.somehow ,anyhow.each time her prescence had that effect on my nerves.she was like cool breeze&and I wanted to bask in her flow.i soon managed a job in her city.and soon we were dating.
Cafes were less.garden walking was less.roses were less.lunches and movies were less.i wanted to give her everything.each night ri was on my mind.we met everyday.we talked and talked .she was sweet and warm to me.yes warm.her warmth, her eyes..!if she asked for one thing I got her two.i would woo her by any and everything.
One fine day I told her I love her.she told me she loved me immensely.me the fool never knew whats love.i just used a few words with her.to get her to love me.was I obsessed with her?well maybe at that time yes!it was ri!i wanted her,like water,like thirst,like hunger,like a drugaddict!
Ri would do everything for me.from talking to loving to getting me hot meals to taking care of me when I was sick!she was like a shade from the scorching sun!her soft touch,it soothed my skin.she loved me like mad and I told her I loved her.a lie!i never loved her.i knew.or so I thought.maybe?
One day I held her.close.and she gave in.i cant describe the feeling.heaven is less.i haven’t yet seen a more emotional,more softer,more loving&giving girl than ri.she showered me with her love.with her warmth .with her prayer,for me.gods smiled on me.me the liar.so small I was,who lied to her all the time.all I wanted was her.not her soul but her!
Luck smiling on me is an understatement.i just loved her for the way she poured herself to me.the ‘love’ she gave me.and the way I drank to the gulps of her flowing rivers of love.my life was a living a dream.what had I done to have found such a beautiful girl and such a loving person.i had frankly no idea.but all I did was woo her more and took whatever she had to offer.i hate myself for doing this to her.now that I m married and have a child too.and see life more clearly and also my actions to her.i hate me.
She loved me.madly.she asked me to marry her.what marriage?what is that?the word didn’t occur in my dictionary.period.i cant marry ,I was just 28.committment?noways.its not my forte.but can u imagine what I did? I lied to her again.”yes we’ll marry whats the hurry?”she believed in me.like she believed god.and I couldn’t even meet her eyes.curse me lord I did such grave deeds of cheating on her.i cursed myself.for lying to her.but I didn’t want to lose her.her warmth,comfort,her love.she was..was so lovely, naive and she trusted me!trust..shucks I’d break it one day.i hated myself that one day.
But I cant marry u ri!i told myself.NO.not now.
Those days I travelled for company’s meetings.i flew to lucknow oneday and bumped into rachna one day.rachna was my neighbor in my purani city.she wasn’t goodlooking but she talked very sweetly.and she was a flirt.she started flirting with me and I liked the freshness.whats wrong in mild flirtation I thought?she told me she is also working in my city.and we got in touch.rachna was a pleasant change from ri.and the turmoil in my life bcos of ri.i started avoiding ri and started dating rachna.not that I loved rachna or liked her.no.i just wanted to end it all with ri.marraige talk made me get goosebumps.and ri only talked of marriage.
I was claustrophobic with ri.and now I wanted to move on with rachna.no no I just loved my self.and who cares, ri would be fine.her parents would marry her to any guy they want and she’d forget me anyway.i no more liked her love.her sweetness,her warmth,her eyes/lips/nothing.i wanted her off me!once and for all.and rachna was the perfect outlet.i knew I knew I acted like one big%*$ but…this was what I wanted and I always had my way.yes I knew I m a blackdevil.but..
Ri caught me with rachna.i wanted this deliberately.i still remember that look of nightmarish surprise in her eyes.she hated me!yes hate!and I never knew a girl’s hate could be this bad.this ugly.this strong.my ri was suddenly someone I never knew.she was a fire who could now burn me.and yes I did get burnt.and how could she hate me?i thought I owned her.i couldn’t take it.her tears.her beggings.her turmiols.her swearings @me.i abused her back.the sickest thing I could do to a girl who gave me nothing but love.how could i?such a b%^&*r# I could be,I never knew.but I did. All this and more.god I know would never forgive me for hurting that angel.my life.and I was so blind.so blind I couldn’t see anything infront of my ego and my way.selfish?.utter selfish &inhumane.thats what I was to her.i repent.
Rachna played around me.in 6months I came to know she was only having a good time at my expense.she had other men in her life too and I couldn’t hurt her.she never loved me.and I missed ri terribly.
I remembered ri’s love.tears&hate.how she hated me.i could never muster courage to go back to her and apologise.i never went.kuch din baad our friends told me she has got married.i was devastated.how??
I sent endless sms to her& to her sister to meet me just once.i followed her.i tried to find where she is ..just one meet.before I die.for 7months I tried to track wher ri is..
But I knew no whereabouts of her.where did she go?where??i cried in silence.cursed my self.my sleep was gone. I didn’t deserve to live.i fared badly@job.i just searched for her.everywhere I could.but after 7months of search and mad hunt still I couldn’t know which city she went to or went abroad?
I checked my mails everyday to see if..i wrote endless mails to her..but..
Life was living hell.i saw the things she gave me.she had even left back things I gave her.but she was gone!forever.and I now actually repented.angusihed and agonized.i now understood what is pain how people burn their own hands.i had lost my ri.my ri whom I loved and never realized.what a coldhead I had been. She didn’t deserve me ofcourse.i couldn’t look in the mirror.sleepless nites I cried,yes a man cried. and saw her picture.if only once she met me?before I die.
I remembered her last words”ek din tum mujhe dhundoge aur mai tumhe nahi milungi”
Yes.wo mujhe nahi mili fir kabihi.if only I had married her and my heaven come alive again!!how many times I silently whisperd ‘comeback’ to her.
I married and now I have a child but I still love ri.and I repent of having done this to one who truly loved me.uske baadi never loved..i now know what is love.and what is to lose love.
I repent with agony.and remorse.if only she would forgive me for what I did to her and if god would forgive me.?i wonder.
Tags: relationships.irony, life, complexities, cowardice., reptent, man, girl
.. u know me wonders how do gurls tell each other something like this .. writing a story like this .. the dude .. the jerk i mean ... aint repentant .. just searched seven months and then moved on and got married ..didnt die .. ha .. lived through the honeymoon .. had a kid .. and then sat down to write a memoir ... and Ri ... hope she don't cry .. badiaha write hai boss ... to yeh bolo .. when should we start the countdown like in .. 365, 364, 363 .. damn it if it happens to be leap year ... 
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