Posted on: Nov 19, '09
I Have Loved You Ever Since
Love is Fleeting
Sometimes when we'd sleep I'd wake up and look down at your tranquil face and wonder how I had deserved such a miraculous gift. You were everything I'd ever wanted and the first time you looked up at me with your sage green eyes I knew, and have loved you ever since. Two years seems like an ocean of time when I think about all that has come between us. We seem separated by a gulf of anger and mistrust that is too far and vast for any man to ever cross. The words we spoke have burnt away the love we started and grew together. Now the blackened burnt out husk of something great stands like the withered bones of some ancient beast, bleached white by the sun and scoured clean by the blowing sand of my deserted heart. Despite the way it started or the terrible way it ended I know that the person I am in love with is a ghost that no longer exists. My feelings are a chain, binding me to a past that will never be again, and will never let me be happy. I have to say goodbye to you Kristen I have to give up, and let go there's nothing left for me in this illusion.
Ever since that night we stood outside my apartment with the snowflakes falling down I have loved you. Ever since the first time I kissed you and felt your lips touch mine, I have loved you. Ever since you laughed at my stupid joke and pretended it was funny. Ever since that time we fell asleep on the couch and you buried your face in my chest and pulled me tight. I have loved you. Two years later my bed is empty, my mind is quiet, my heart is cooled and I wonder about you. I wonder where you are and what you’re doing, if you’re happy and filled with joy, if your heart is healed and laughing once again. I wonder if you have forgiven me for the things I did and have hated ever since. I wonder if I will ever know the feeling you gave me that night when the snow came down. Standing there with you, illuminated by the light of your joy, cradled by your magnificent optimism, and liberated by the binding love of two hearts locked as one, I was free, but I’ve been in chains ever since.
I dream about you still, waking up to what I swear was the sound of your voice. I think about things, about moments lost to time and clouded over by regret. I am always trying to take one more step, one more effort to move ahead. I push and strain against walls and topple them down. I break through barriers and do what I thought I couldn’t, so why can’t I move past you? Two years later I am still a prisoner to your face, enthralled by your memory, enslaved by an idea. I am free in so many ways, walking the world liberated and inspired to overcome, except when it comes to you. My heart is so full of longing and desire to find love again that it drives my every waking thought. How can I let someone in though when you’re still occupying my heart? How will I ever move past you when I am always thinking of the past?
Sometimes I wish you were dead. It’s a horrible thought and selfish, but had you died then at least I could mourn and move on. You’re not though, you’re still alive and out there somewhere with another guy doing the things we planned to do, living the life we planned to live. Here I am stuck in this life though hoping for a new beginning and start. Trying my best to become a better man, I can’t help but wish you could see what I’ve done, know how much I’ve changed, but you won’t. I think I am obsessed with an idea, a fantasy of what could have been. I think I’m in love with a ghost and person that no longer exists. I think I’m hopeless and deluded. I think, and think, and really need to stop. I think what I really need to do is say goodbye and see the truth that I have made for myself. Two years ago our life together ended, and I have been afraid ever since. It’s a terrible thing to live in fear, lost in the dark waiting for the dawn. I want to see the light again, to feel the warmth wash over me. I want another angel, another reason, another reminder. I want to be alive again. I just want something.
Tags: loved you ever since
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